Welcome to Texas. Here you’ll find more tragic Scotty McCreery impersonators, a woman accidentally punching Ryan Seacrest in the mouth (!), and, incredulously, not one but two delusional males attempting to sing “Unbreak My Heart.” You’ll also find a blue-tongued swamp creature who angrily insists he is the leader — nay, the embodiment — of a revolution, yet cannot name a single aspect of the current world that is problematic. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…an excuse to play Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro.” Hooray!
But a better reason to cheer last night was that in addition to some more colorful crazies than we’ve been used to seeing in last few weeks, last night’s Galveston audition round finally had the judges disagreeing about things. And this wasn’t just your typical off-the-wall banter, like Steven Tyler wailing “I love fruit wahooooo-deli-deedleedah” and Randy Jackson yelping “Dawg’s allergic to berries!” This was a full-out, boys vs. girls war about some of the actual contestants! Ah, it was good to fight again.
Specifically, J. Lo liked three girls, but Steven and Randy dismissed them. I’m just gonna go with my huge, jiggly gut instinct here and guess that they weren’t cute enough. Pretty in the face, hot in the body. That’s right. Unless you have a decent sob story, once you’ve stepped onto the “can sing” landing area on the ladder, those are — for better or worse — some often insurmountable rungs to clear. I’m not saying that’s fair. It’s just how it is.
And yeah, we all know how it works, but it was still pretty creepy to watch this deliberately edited clip show of Steven and Randy’s disapproving facial expressions as they decided whether or not they’d want to have sex with certain contestants and then deciding nahhhhhhh, not today. Maybe I’m being gross and those first three, who could sing very well, weren’t remarkable for other reasons. But I’m quite certain the fourth girl, Linda Williams, was a skinny, sassy, well-dressed uberhottie who had a bitchin’ leather jacket and could barely hold a note — and she’s through to Hollywood. I tried to roll my eyes, but it was hard — I really wanted that jacket.
I’m very hopeful for Skylar Laine, a 17-year-old deer-killer whose family owns a restaurant that cleverly fronts as a grocery store to shield its true identity. I wanted every sandwich on that menu, by the way, and this is as good a time as any to announce that I love places that have those types of menus with the letters you have to individually stick on. That’s a whole lotta love. Skylar calls her family members “Pepaw” and “Memaw,” exudes genuineness, and delivered a solid country twang on “Hell on Heels” by the Pistol Annies. She even put a surprise spin on the final notes. I love her! She was so good that the bringing in of her friend, who wanted to hug Steven Tyler, was more of an awkward aside instead of the main event of the audition. The tables are turning, indeed.
NEXT: Why pay for a divorce lawyer when you could buy a plane ticket?