Oooooooo-ee! It’s back! The show we grew up with! Ha, hardly. But these kids — oh, these precious little kids. They all have American Idol scrapbooks and colorful poster boards about their American Idol obsessions that they probably made for class. Ohhhh they’re so young. You’re pretty old, you know?
“Where were YOU when it all started?” Ryan Seacrest’s voice boomed out. I imagined him following that up with an enthusiastic yet mocking, “Which single-digit age were YOU in 2002? Hello? Ma’am?”
And so it begins. Welcome back, olds and kids who know how to read! It’s good to be back. Feels real warm in here. Let’s just pretend The X Factor never happened, okay?
A long and nearly tear-inducing (what? I’m excited!) montage of the past 10 seasons was set to “Forever Young,” which you are not. But come on, now. Do you really want to live forever, or do you want to get a golden ticket to Hollywood in hopes that just maybe you won’t crash and burn like nearly everyone else? Step right up. There’s plenty of room in this line of 10,000 toaster strudels baking in the Southern sun. If a 16-year-old from North Carolina can win, you can do that. You’re gonna go where Scotty McCreery went, dude! Remember, you can do anything.
The auditions kicked off in Savannah, where Steven was “beside himself with the talent.” I’d actually appreciate a Steven Tyler hologram for the live shows. J. Lo would get so pissed. Here we go….
David Leathers Jr. is also known as “Mister Steal Your Girl,” because when he sings all the girls in his vicinity flock around him and ask coyly, “Aren’t you the 12-year-old who once beat Scotty McCreery in a local competition?” He certainly is, and he’s become so famous that he needs sunglasses indoors. David had a solid high-pitched vocal on “Remember the Rain” and, after the judges’ pleas, “Never Can Say Goodbye” in the style of “a young Michael.” I think he’s good, it’s just that WOW is he tiny and I wonder if being a cute little kid with a high voice is just a gimmick he’s riding out. We’ll see. I’m left with two resounding questions. Will David Leathers Jr. ever hit puberty, and what if it’s during the season?!
Also, it’s just so luxurious to think about all the different leathers.
NEXT: Just lemme get a quick hug from Nigel and I’ll be on my way (TO FAME)