Wednesday’s auditions episode of American Idol took place in Milwaukee — home of Danny Gokey, who now stands on the other side of the line of thousands of people and keeps the arena crowds alive with his comedy. As soon as I finish weeping about Chris Medina‘s brain injury-addled fiancée and questioning what it all means and why I can’t ever appreciate anything I have, such as the abilities to type and snack…. I will move on.
[An hour passes.]
Yeah, I’m still not over it. We’ve seen a lot of great singers at this point, but the high point of the first three episodes by far belongs to wise old loon Steven Tyler, who crouched over a young woman’s wheelchair, kissed her repeatedly in a compassionate dad way, got right up into her impenetrable personal space and made sure she knew: “He sings so well because he sings for you.” Chris’ audition will probably be something Idol fans always remember. Check it out, here’s a song Chris wrote for Juliana on what would have been their wedding day. I can’t stop looking at the Facebook page her friends created for her. It all feels so invasive — what I’m doing now, what they did on the show — but I guess this is just what happens on reality TV (and the next day on the internet). Every viewer knows the feeling. I’m so uncomfortable but I just can’t stop!
Not even gonna bother with the fame-mongering losers this time, dawgs. S—‘s bleak. But beautiful. The following smokin’ hot children — plus 31 others we didn’t get to meet — got golden tickets in Milwaukee.
Scotty McCreery from Garner, NC, is very talented and might not even need the Idol machine in order to be successful. According to me, this deep-voiced country singer is at least 30, but according to him, he’s 16. Who to trust? It’s a tough call. Let’s check in with the judges. “You make me smile,” said Jennifer Lopez. “S— fire, save matches. F— a duck and see what hatches,” said Steven Tyler. “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,” said Randy Jackson. Done. Randy Travis Jr. is through to Hollywood. And Vasco de Gama Jr. is soooo proud. “With the right songs — we discovered him,” said the panel’s most esteemed explorer (J. Lo, obviously). Sure you did.
NEXT: Attack of the 15-year-old women!