After last week’s Pi-limination, there was no way tonight’s results show was going to pack the same kind of drama. Which is why I’m going to deliver some drama right now. Dear “members of the Idol family,” I’m not Annie Barrett. She could not do tonight’s recap for personal reasons and asked me to fill in for her on keyboard. Computer keyboard, that is. (Don’t worry. That was my first and last music/computer joke of the night.) I secretly think she wanted me to recap tonight’s episode because she thought Haley was going to go home after her hideous rendition of “Call Me” and she wanted to stick it to me because she knows how much I love Haley. Well, suck it, Barrett because, La Lopez and I are sick of the ladies going home. In fact, tonight proved how great women singers can actually be. Thanks, Kelly Clarkson and Rihanna! Also, Ri, loved the whole curtain look during the performance. Which is more than I can say for the drape tassles hanging off J Lo’s ensemble that look like they were bought from the gift shop at Versailles. But I digress.
Back to the show because between zombies and Rob Reiner’s lyrics to the Chariots of Fire theme music, there’s a lot of ground to cover. First, the zombies. I had two thoughts during the car commercial: James Durbin is actually kind of scary. And: Did Casey not get to be a zombie because the undead don’t have facial hair? I can find no fault with anything Rob Reiner said. I love the fact that he’s been watching since season one. I love that he name checked From Justin to Kelly on the same episode that featured Kelly Clarkson singing. (Was she watching the segment backstage and flipping him off?) And I love that he said before millions of Americans what we’ve all been thinking for weeks, when he asked Casey: “Why couldn’t you be Seth Rogen’s younger, bass-playing brother?” Casey didn’t look too thrilled with that, which is strange considering his role model is Jack Black, who’s not exactly Matthew McConaughey.
But let’s move on to the moment of the night which has officially become my new favorite moment of this entire season: Casey and Haley’s duet. I can’t say I was familiar with Charles Mingus’ “Moanin'” before tonight but I can’t imagine it could be sung any better. These two were in their element, scatting with reckless abandon, like Ella Fitzgerald could learn a thing or two from them. Even Ryan couldn’t control his excitement after that slam dunk and had to throw to the judges who were dead-on in wondering where that Haley has been. When she’s on, she’s on. Hopefully, next week she’ll study how confidently she sang and how insanely gorgeous she looked tonight and try to tap into the same magic. Scotty and Lauren’s rendition of Lady Antebellum’s “American Honey” was pretty great as well, although I’m starting to wonder why Scotty always tilts his head to one side when he sings. It’s as if he has singer’s torticollis. (Go ahead. Search that on Web MD. I’ll wait.) And speaking of diseases, my ears were hurting from the Leftover Boys Band Boy Band take on music from The Graduate. Was it just me or was “Sounds of Silence” dreadfully off-key?
When it came time for the bottom three, I was perfectly okay with Paul and Stefano taking their spots on the uncomfortable-looking stools of loserdom. Despite the fact that Stefano had his best performance of the season on Wednesday, he doesn’t have a shot of winning, in my opinion. (Sorry, Jimmy Iovine!) And Paul is entertaining enough, but how would he ever find another rose suit to wear next week? I wasn’t a fan of his performance of “Old Time Rock and Roll” and I imagine the voters found it quite forgettable. (By the way, did anyone else hear Paul say “Roommates, honey!” to Jacob and Jacob reply “For life!” I love a good bromance!) As we all know, Haley deserved to be in the bottom three, but I was not looking forward to saying goodbye to her, especially after that killer duet.
And thankfully, we did not have to! Paul, his shiny white smile, and his awkward dance moves were sent packing. I don’t think people will revolt in the way they did last week. Nor do I think Paul will show with a “Ha ha. I’m going to have a bigger career than all of you!” smirk like Pia did tonight. What do you all think? Will you miss Paul? Was the Casey-Haley duet the moment of the season? Will Annie be back next week? I’ll answer that one for you. Yes, she will, but thanks for letting me fill in. So, I leave you with the immortal words of Rob Reiner, “Thanks for listening to an old, fat Jew.”