It was Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night on American Idol, and the judges continued to cherish each of the top 9 contestants nearly as much as Steven Tyler cherishes that terrifying wax figure of himself with a slightly bigger mouth and more feathery hair. (Wouldn’t you?)
Even the scant constructive criticism the three Fates provided was preceded by J. Lo APOLOGIZING as she prepared to tear Pia apart like a Gwen Stefani-designed jumpsuit that’d been through one gentle cycle: “It’s not that you’re not amazing. Please don’t ever take me the wrong way — you are spectacular,” she began. “But just keep studying.” Oh, J. How could you? That was just lo.
Meanwhile, will.i.am’s magnificent world tour of the Idol studios continued as he played guest mentor this week. Why? Because he refuses to leave the set, that’s why! Nothing weird about it at all. Let’s get to the performances.
Jacob Lusk made the grave error of making viewers feel even worse about themselves than they already did…before even singing his song! “If I am in the bottom three, it won’t be because I sang the song wrong,” Jacob informed us. “It’ll be ’cause everyone in America wasn’t ready to look at themselves in the mirror.” Preposterous! I’ll have Jacob know that his mediocre rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” had nothing to do with the reason I can’t bear to look in the mirror. Becoming a cave troll with ever-loosening bathing standards who stays up all night writing reality TV recaps can get a girl down. Is that what you wanted, Jacob Lusk, with your angelic white suit and your powerful hip thrusts and your refusal to use closing consonants on your final lyrics and your delightful little giggles? STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!
NEXT: Take another little piece of Haley’s heart, and her smile will really let you have it