It’s not a Top 12 — it’s a Top 13, America! So one more child gets to live, and the promo introducing last night’s two-hour results show was a liar. What a night. In between getting-to-know-you filler montages, the obedient singing dolls shuffled around the stage and waited for Ryan to either send them to the popularity sofa or deliver their life sentences in the tremendous form of “Now take to your stools.” Scotty wore a skull visor. J. Lo got to air her little video. The tears flowed; the cookies crumbled. I’m gonna keep this recap short. I like cookies.
THE TOP 10
“I don’t know, I’m just Lauren” Alaina
Haley Reinhart (?!)
Karen Rodriguez (¿¡)
THE WILD CARDS
Naima Adedapo: She was a bit shaky on “For All We Know” by Donny Hathaway, but it’s probably just because she was TERRIFIED. I’m so glad she slowed it down; she’s so much more powerful when each note carries weight and we get to look at her beautiful face. It’s true, y’all!
Ashthon Jones: Gotta say, I’m not a fan of her over-the-top diva attitude when she hasn’t yet proven she has the talent to back it up. Do they really think she’s that good? “And I Am Telling You” was a sharp, flat, warbling mess. At least she’s hot.
Stefano Langone: Good for him! “I Need You Now” was his best performance yet, filled with confidence and yearning behind those pained faces. “You anointed the moment,” Randy told the smiling cookie with a stray chocolate chip just below his lip. Someone got a new Word of the Day calendar!
* <–Stefano’s tiny soul patch
NEXT: Let us celebrate the losers