Just when you thought it couldn’t get crazier than that broke-down ”Ke$ha” lady performing with a troupe of dancing TVs, tonight’s American Idol Top 11 results-show telecast went and upped the level of ridiculata to new and impressive heights.
There was Big Mike raising a single finger toward the sky, then exploding his fist into a dazzling jazz hand — in imperfect sync with Crystal Bowersox and nine other contestants! There was a pair of magnificently coiffed young people whose vocal cords were the star opponents in a WWE wrestling extravaganza! There was a woman in the audience with a pale, ”blood”-spattered face, who was later revealed to be one of two zombie-like creatures known as ”Siobhan-bies”! And there was Katie Stevens, revealing that her father needs to get his drink on to survive a 60-minutes results show. Oh sister, don’t we all?
But as much as I begrudgingly enjoyed my Idoltini — two parts Absolut Absurd, one part Cheesenotique, and one part Siobhan’s Irish Scream — and as much as I raised my glass to America getting it right and sending home Paige ”hidden potential” Miles, I nonetheless chased it all down with the bitter realization of what could have been a worthy successor to the thrilling spectacles of seasons 7 and 8, of what could have been the 2010 Idols Live tour.
Only a month ago, in fact, I was fantasizing about how the summer concert series might come together: Five or six stellar ladies (Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, Katelyn Epperly, Lilly Scott, and Didi Benami, with perhaps a side of Janell Wheeler or Lacey Brown) and four or five solid guys (Alex Lambert, Lee Dewyze, and some combo of Michael Lynche, Aaron Kelly, and Casey James). That’s a lineup I’d conceivably have paid to see!
Instead, heading into Top 10 week — R&B with guest mentor Usher — we’re left with six men (including hapless Tim Urban and dreary Andrew Garcia) and four women (one of them Katie Stevens for cryin’ out loud). So much for a Lilith Fair-Idols Live mashup!
But enough glass-half-empty (with my bitter tears) rambling. Because what is Idol without our blind optimism? (Hell’s Kitchen, maybe?) It’s high time to remove the spotlight from my favorite fallen semifinalists (for at least a couple paragraphs) and acknowledge that Paige’s elimination was a good elimination. Yes, folks, let’s queue up ”God Bless America” and give ourselves a hearty round of applause: We got it right. Three weeks too late, but we got it right.
NEXT: Urban planning, and the nature of ”Straight Up”