I’ve never quite understood the inherent sadism of American Idol‘s summer tour policy. Every year the show names 12 (or last year, 13) finalists, but only makes room on the sightseeing bus for 10 of ’em.
Okay, yeah, so last season’s Kradison Festival of Awesome wouldn’t have benefited much from the vocal stylings of Jasmine Murray or Jorge Nuñez (although Alexis Grace is quite another matter…hmph!), but as Simon pointed out tonight, finishing 11th on Idol is akin to getting five out of six lottery numbers: ”It’s the worst night to go home.”
Yet as devastating as Wednesday night’s vote tally is going to be for Paige Miles, Tim Urban, Katie Stevens, or Andrew Garcia, the news is much, much grimmer for us members of the Idoloonie nation. Chew on this like a smoker’s piece of Nicorette: Three out of the four contestants mentioned above will be ”singing” for our ”pleasure” at North American concert venues from June to September. (I’m betting Idol creator Simon Fuller will forbid any stops in Canada or Europe — just to ensure he’s not shipped off to the Hague to stand trial for international war crimes.) And even if Colored Contacts, Bieber-Hair Boy, Multiple Personality Robo-Barbie, and Acoustic ”Straight Up” get booted in the most rapid-fire succession possible, one of ’em is going to be sticking around on the Idol stage till at least April 14. Gah!
Anyhow, rules are rules — meaning we can’t do a two-, three-, or possibly four-way ouster tomorrow, and we can’t bring back Katelyn, Alex, Lilly, or even Janell. It doesn’t even matter that we could replace half the contestants with Folgers Crystals without anyone so much as arching a brow. This is our Top 11, dammit, and since they took the time to tackle the challenging theme of Old-Timey Songs That Have Been Butchered by Scott Savol or Sung 70 Times Better by Fantasia (a.k.a Billboard No. 1s), we owe them the courtesy of listening carefully, then judging with the fury of 1,000 Auto-Tuned Ke$has.
NEXT: We are now against ”Against All Odds”