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American Idol recap: Oil's Well That Ends Well

Texas roughneck Michael Sarver exits season 8 on the classiest of notes, while Matt Giraud takes an unexpected trip to the bottom 3

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American Idol Michael
Frank Micelotta/American Idol/Getty Images

American Idol

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
Harry Connick Jr., Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacrest
Reality TV

If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect someone snuck into my apartment while I was eating dinner tonight and slipped a mickey into my Blue Moon. The whole evening is something of a blur — hey now, don’t jump to conclusions; I only had one bottle! — but here’s the patchwork of memories floating around in my brain: Ruben Studdard singing ”Gonna Make You Sweat.” Megan (Joy and Pain) Corkrey reclining on the safety couches. Matt Giraud flirting with elimination. A possessed (and ravenous) Smokey Robinson repeatedly menacing a caterwauling Joss Stone. Paula Abdul’s cleavage being only a flimsy strap and decorative buckle away from escaping the Idol soundstage and going off to fulfill its destiny as part of the cast of season 9 of Dancing With the Stars. And Adam Lambert emerging from the midst of a horribly choreographed dance routine to clutch the mic stand and belt portions of ”Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.”

Was I having a nightmare fueled by sleep deprivation and Kara DioGuardi’s sudden obsession with the word ”artistry”? Was it a gauzy dream floating on the dulcet wings of my iTunes download of Allison Iraheta’s ”Papa Was a Rolling Stone”? No, actually, it was just a special Thursday-night edition of the American Idol results-show extravaganza!

In honor of the truly bizarre telecast — and a very classy exit by Texas oil roughneck Michael Sarver — I present this week’s Idol-themed ditty, set to the tune of Marvin Gaye’s ”Heard It Through the Grapevine.” Click here if you want to sing along with a little musical accompaniment; heck, even if you’re not sure you’ve got enough soul to successfully pull off a Motown number, just remember it didn’t stop the guy whose name rhymes with Hot Back-on-fire. (Oh snap!)

Ooh, I wonder if the judges knew

That they came across so rude and crude

As they faked it through deliberation

While the oil-rig guy — he begged for salvation

It took me by surprise I must say,

To see Matt land in danger’s way

Don’t you know that…

The results show’s on the decline

Now the kids don’t even sing live

Oh the results show’s on the decline

And I’m just about to lose my mind. Dancing Paula, yeah.

They say that a man ain’t supposed to cry,

So the roughneck holds his tears inside

Losing Idol‘s not the end you see

But he lost to Megan Corkrey

Watch this Hybrid video from Ford

Damn Simon’s T-shirt has got me floored

Oh yeah…

The results show’s on the decline

Maybe Nigel shouldn’t have resigned

Oh the results show’s on the decline

And I’m just about to lose my mind. Go home, Kara, yeah.

NEXT: Group synch