“I’ve had a few recent misadventures with the fairer sex” is how Dandy introduces himself to his friendly neighborhood psychic. “A few recent misadventures” = “I chased away my conjoined-twin love interest, killed my maid, killed my mom.” Maggie Esmerelda stares into the crystal ball. What does she see there? Does she see the kindly Avon Lady knock-knock-knocking on the door of stately Mott Manor, asking for the lady of the house? Does she see our boy Dandy eliminate Lady Avon with a candlestick, and cut off her head, and sew Lady Avon’s head onto Lady Mott’s body, creating a Freudian facsimile of the Sisters Tattler?
Maybe not. Maggie stares at Dandy and says: “Your indiscretion will soon be forgotten.” Everything’s dandy, Dandy! The happiest boy in Florida thanks her, holds her hand, tells her it would be a shame to waste the powers she has inside of herself. Does she recognize that voice? Does she remember that one time a couple killer clowns held her hostage? Emma Roberts?
So many questions! Jimmy Darling has all the answers, if all the answers can be found at the bottom of a bottle. Stinking drunk, Jimmy is having a grand old time feeding Ima, and flirting with Ima. “If you want it long and hard,” he says, “I need you soft and wide.”
Jimmy’s disposition takes a turn when he spots Dandy. Jimmy knows the score. He knows Dandy was the other clown. But Dandy knows the score, too. “I’m your god, Jimmy,” he says. “And I’ve decided that you need to suffer. I’m going to destroy you and everything you love.” It wasn’t too long ago that Dandy was begging to join the Freak Show; now, it would appear that his new plan is total destruction.
Speaking of plans, this episode saw Dot’s long-desired separation plan move close to fruition. Or so she thought. Elsa and Stanley tracked the Tattlers down to the West Palm Beach Motel, where Ethel had stashed them. They peddled some lies about a mob hunting freaks, and then offered them salvation: That mythic twin-separating doctor would be meeting them soon for An Operation. They stashed the twins in a freaky remote shack.
Back at the freak show, Desiree had a very special visitor. Look kids, it’s Malcolm Jamal-Warner! “Miss Desiree,” says MalJamDubs, “The most beautiful woman in the world.” He’s playing a character named Angus T. Jefferson, and…well, g’bye MalJamDubs! Maybe we’ll see you again sometime! (Fun fact: Malcolm Jamal-Warner is having a big year, having recently appeared on Sons of Anarchy as “Sticky” and on Major Crimes as Major Riley Crimes.)
Anyhow, that’s about when Desiree and Maggie walked in on Jimmy mid-coitus with Ima, which was awkward even before Jimmy regurgitated a couple days of grain alcohol onto the ground. Jimmy decided to double down on a rough day by visiting his favorite Tupperware ladies. “He’s drunk,” said one Tupperware housewife. “He kept missing.” The mind, it can only imagine.
Jimmy has a vision of Ethel, tut-tut-tutting his life choices. Jimmy runs off…and then suddenly, there’s Dandy at the door, asking if he might possibly use the telephone to call the auto-club, his car just broke down, oh hello there ladies, my what a nice party you’re throwing, say, would you girls like to see a magic trick, close your eyes, I’m going to make you all disappear!
Soon enough, one happy husband arrives home to find his happy wife and all her happy friends happily floating in a rather unhappy swimming pool. Meanwhile, back at stately Mott Manor, Dandy is preparing a bath. That’s when Regina walks in. “You killed my mother!” says Regina. “I killed your mother!” says Dandy. “And my mother! And like a million other people! Also, I bathe in blood now!”
Regina is a bit undone by Dandy’s candor, not to mention Dandy’s dandy. But our boy has a speech to make. “I am a god,” he says. “A god who was chosen to walk among men.” He asks Regina to take a blood bath with him. Regina demurs. Dandy pouts. He tells her to leave. He tells her he is above the law. He tells her he is beyond the law. He tells her: “I AM THE LAW!” Clearly, Dandy has been watching a lot of Dredd.
NEXT: The Tattler Sisters have a state-of-the-union conversation