It’s week 5 on America’s Got Talent and it’s evident that we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel when it comes to legitimate entertainment. Other than an amazing girl who can probably sing any aria you toss her way, the auditions were either performances we’ve seen before or bizarre tricks that feature a headless mannequin. The judges definitely lowered the bar this round. Let’s review who graciously made the cut and who mercifully received a hit from the “thanks, but no thanks” buzzer…
Young Brother Dance Group
Jack and Cameron are brothers (12- and 9 years old) who spend a few hours every day practicing their “smooth” moves in the garage. One claims to be the technical side of the duo. The other brings the power and energy. Both are dressed in black suits, fashionable spectacles, and boyish grins. They are adorable. But when the music starts, these angelic little darlings morph into hip-hop geniuses who manage to grab their own crotches in a way that makes you forgive the fact that they should be playing with Legos instead of spanking the air in front of them. Howard refrains from dashing the young brothers’ dreams and rounds out the panel with four yeses from the judges.
Oz left the hustle and bustle of Wall Street in New York City with a lofty ambition—to dig inside the minds of others. He quickly guesses the number Heidi is thinking (child’s play) and moves to the harder stuff. Mel B. writes “Fiji and Geri” on a piece of paper. This is the place she vacationed with a fellow Spice Girl. Oz rips up the piece of paper before pulling out an envelope from his pocket. Howard inspects the envelope, noting that it has no less than 30 staples all around the sides. Howard opens it and reads a note the mentalist wrote. Oz predicted that Mel B. had vacationed in Fiji with someone named Geri in 1998. The year was a bonus wow factor. The judges LOVED it and put him through to the next round.
Britney suffers from severe stage fright. That’s probably why she totally choked near the beginning of her audition. When she stands up to leave, the judges encourage her to sit back down at her piano and try again. It was a wonderful moment. Although I agree with Howard that her vocals were not strong enough for the competition, the other judges feel that there’s something special about Britney that we have yet to see. She’s through!
I knew immediately that Mr. Fudge’s balloon act would be one that was so gross, I wouldn’t be able to look away. His poor assistant shoves a deflated balloon up one nostril and then pulls it out of his mouth. HIS MOUTH. Then Mr. Fudge blows up the nostril side balloon and twists it into the top half of a dog. The other half is blown up and the dog’s bottom half is twisted into place. Then the nameless helper wiggles the dog back and forth through his nasal cavity as I begin to gag. Mr. Fudge claims that the coolest part of the show is watching his helper remove the balloon. When Mr. Fudge hands the poor soul a towel, I fear for the worst. Sure enough, when Mr. Fudge pops the balloon and pulls, all sorts of bodily fluids protrude from the helper’s nose, mouth, and eyes. Vomit. Three judges vote for Mr. Fudge to go through to the next round. It’s clear that they want to see what else the helper will stick up his nose.
Latin Dance Group
The four members of Semeneya are super pumped to bring their acrobatic salsa routine to the floor. Ruiz is quick to mention in their pre-packaged interview that you have to keep going if you make a mistake. And with the rapid footwork, spins, and lifts in this routine, one wrong step can lead to disaster. Poor Ruiz should have knocked on wood because he pops his knee out of the joint mere seconds into the act. He and his partner gracefully leave the stage, but the show can’t go on without them. Ruiz is sent to the hospital to curse his bad luck, while the judges give the remaining three dancers an ultimatum. They may rework a number and come back the next day as a trio, or they can wait for Ruiz to rehab and come back next year.
The leader of the group steps down, offering the remaining two dancers the stage. And since these kids are complete professionals, the partners already have a number ready to go. Game. On. Feet shuffle, sequins catch the light, and bodies fly as the pair burn the floor. At one point, I was nervous someone was going to suffer from whiplash. How many medical emergencies can one group handle? They manage to make it through to the end and even earn a unanimous vote from the judges. Semeneya is moving on to the next round. Who knows who will show up as the fourth man? Stay strong Ruiz!
NEXT: Metal + Mariachi = Metalachi