Hell hath no fury like a beauty contestant scorned. (And Caite, ”scorned” means ”treated with disdain.” Fine, Caite. ”Disdain” means ”contempt.” And, no, I’m not continuing. Buy a dictionary. Yes, that’s that book with all the words.)
Sorry if I sound like Brandy, but I think Caite deserves some backlash. She’s been full of vitriol for weeks now, and, other than this week when hatred made her unusually efficient, she seems to be advancing in the race simply because other teams mess up.
But we’ll get to all the negativity later because it was an episode full of attempted cheats and insults. First, let’s focus on my new favorite team: Dan and Jordan. These two have been underperforming for weeks but still providing some of my favorite commentary of the season. They’re hilariously underprepared (how do you go on Amazing Race without knowing how to drive stick?) yet have managed to outlast seemingly stronger teams like Steve and Allie. And this week, the two brothers (who are always adorable in their affection for each other) managed to pull out a first-place win. And the cherry on top? They gave their motorbike-hating mama a shout-out. What mensches, those two.
So we kicked off the week in Malaysia, where the five remaining teams had to take the 400-mile bus and train trek to Singapore. Their first task was to find Allan Wu, the host of Amazing Race Asia. I wondered if he’d look like Phil, all snug pants and spiky hair. Alas, he looks like a regular tourist, sitting, reading the paper. I don’t know why the sitting struck me as weird. Phil never sits. He stands, he walks, never sits. Perhaps his knees don’t bend and he’s been hiding this curious ailment from us for all these seasons?
On the bus to the train, Caite started in on one of her many Carol and Brandy rants by flashing an evil smile and proclaiming, ”I’m 100 percent U-turning the lesbians if we get there first.” She seemed just a little too happy about this statement, prompting Dan to wonder, ”Because they’re lesbians?” (You go, Dan. Call her out!) Jordan also questioned the wisdom to U-turn a team that isn’t a front runner, but stopped short of questioning the fact that he’d questioning Caite’s wisdom.
All teams made it to the same sleeping train where germaphobe Dan looked like he was about to plotz. ”Hello, disinfectant wipes!” he said. The other teams seemed more ready to lie down in the sleeper cars, only to rush to the door before the stop. Carol and Brandy somehow thought it was okay to ask to pass everyone, as if the other teams would all of a sudden forget they’re on a race and let a competitor jump first in line. Um, nice try. But Brent’s analysis was way out of line. ”Ladies get their way. Bitches don’t.” And proof that God hates misogynists came quickly enough when Caite tripped over her own feet leaving the train station.
The teams made their way to the Victoria Concert Hall in Singapore (”My kind of city — super clean!” said the Monk-esque Dan). Dan and Jordan hot there first and wisely chose to search the outdoors for Wu, who was still sitting reading that newspaper. This may have been the smartest move they made all season because it gave them the first crack at the Fast Forward and propelled them into first place. The other teams thought Allan Wu is hiding inside the concert hall because they seemed to search every corner until they realize he might be hanging outdoors.
NEXT: We’re all surprised you didn’t pee yourself, Jordan