When the race started months back, would you ever have imagined these would be the four teams remaining? You’ve got your brothers who can’t drive stick (Dan and Jordan), the IQ-challenged pretty people (Brent and Caite), non-spring-chicken private investigators (Louie and Michael), and a pair of not-that-worldly cowboys (Jet and Cord). Okay, maybe you knew Jet and Cord would be in it until the end because they’ve basically rocked the race, but the rest of them? My hat is off to these underdogs, even Caite. Of course, there’s hardly room for me to be impressed by Caite being the last woman standing because she’s so irritatingly proud of herself. ”I’m flipping out that I’m the last girl standing,” she said, before repeating that phrase several different ways throughout the first 15 minutes. Yes, yes, we get it. You U-turned Carol and Brandy and now you’re the last woman. Bravo for making that decision purely on emotion and not on strategy. Way to go!
Tonight, teams started off flying to Shanghai, China where they had to find Zhujiajiao, which Phil tells us is ”the Venice of China.” Did he mean a sinking, tourist-overrun city known for baccala and artichoke ends? Nope, just that both cities have canals. Dan and Jordan continued to be adorable, Dan declaring that ”I hate him just as much now as I did before,” before Jordan replied, ”I love him a little bit more than I did before.” I want to be their mother so I can be consumed with pride about how my boys are acting on national television. I like to imagine her bragging about her ”boys on that reality show” who will ”ride those motorcycles they won over my dead body” at Sabbath services in some synagogue in Long Island. We also learned Jet has a wife and 17-month old girl (um, doesn’t he look 20 at max?) and Cord got engaged right before leaving for the race. Either he thought $1 million would help pay for the wedding or he thought he needed to put a ring on it because he didn’t trust his lady to be alone for that long.
At the airport, Michael’s thrilled at his protégés Brent and Caite, who followed his U-turn plan. They’re his wolf cubs! Curious alliance, those four. Jordan, ever the wise commentator of the season, seemed to know the decision not to U-turn the consistently strong cowboys was idiotic. ”We’re all going to look back and question that decision.”
Once in Zhujiajiao, the teams hit their first road block, to ”master the complex art of making noodles by hand.” Perhaps it was the jet lag, but Brent commented on the city on canals, ”I feel like I’m in Sicily.” Oh, who are we kidding? That wasn’t jet lag. Of course, Cord wasn’t any better when he questioned Jet’s comment that the city was tranquil. ”Tranquil! What is that?” Cord laughed, seemingly astonished that his brother who would use a seventh-grade spelling bee word. Oh my gravy. Anyway, the challenge was to turn a mound of dough into one kilo of noodles. When the teams completed the road block, Ping Ping, the world’s smallest man (with the world’s biggest cigarette habit) would give them their next clue.
And just when I was getting over the Sicily and ”tranquil” comments, Caite and Jet jumped in with their offensive Ping Ping commentary. ”Wow! He was so adorable!” Caite said, before saying hi to him like he was a newborn puppy and not an adult man. ”Can I take him home with me?” Yes, Caite. I’m sure he would love that. (Secretly, I wish she would have. I would love to see Ping Ping chain smoking his way through her pageant parephenalia-filled house.) Jet wasn’t any better when he said, ”If he jumped out of your trash can it would scare you to death.” So, instead of being a little puppy, he’s a raccoon? Didn’t they get any sensitivity training before representing America around the world?
NEXT: The answer, my friend, is puzzles in the wind…