I’ve been here before. You know, in that unenviable position of inheriting Josh Wolk’s TV watch. He dared to go on vacation last summer with his family and you know who was asked to fill in on Josh’s Big Brother watch. Next thing I know, I’m getting the hate comments. One after another. ”Where’s Josh?” ”Who’s this evil Jessica person?” ”Bring back the Wolk man!” To all those people who plan to hate on me, all I have to say is: I’m 6’10” and 260 so I’m gonna do what I gotta do.
Hey, if Big Easy can throw down like that, why can’t I? (Answer: Because I’m not 6’10” or 260?)
But I’ve gotten ahead of myself, to those final moments when Phil was practically begging for a brother on Globetrotter brawl. Much to cover before then.
All five teams left Stockholm for Tallinn, Estonia, only to find out the first ferry was a gazillion hours later. When teams I like are ahead I always get so annoyed at the Race for evening things up, and tonight was no exception. I can’t help myself — I like the Globetrotters and I wanted them to have a comfortable lead. I like that they never lose it on each other. I like the joy they bring to traveling. And, of course, I like their theme music. Every team should have theme music (”I’m a Bitch” for Ericka?). And Flight Time and Big Easy weren’t too thrilled with their long pre-ferry layover either, but at least they were smart enough to grab some extra snooze time in the car. By the way, why’d the shoes get evicted from the car? Too ginormous to fit? Too stinky? Just wondering.
Eventually everyone arrived to the Brotherhood of the Blackheads, which sounds like a group of pubescent guys who pick at their acne in some secret dungeon. Alas, it’s just a secret society of merchants. Or, as Ericka calls them with disdain, ”these Medieval men.” She’s onto something considering they look like they just exited the extras door of Medieval Times, with their big brown robes and grunting sounds when the stupid American didn’t know the definition of the word ”candelabra.”
Come on, Matt! Being American doesn’t exactly get the ol’ ”Wow! Cool!” response from the rest of the world. Do you have to further tarnish our reputation by not knowing a word you should have learned in D&D back in 4th grade? And don’t tell me you didn’t play D&D. And, frankly, even if you didn’t know the actual definition, didn’t the first half of the word tip you off? Candle-abra. CANDLE-abra. ”I don’t frickin get it. Am I missing something?” he asked. Um, yeah, like a gradeschooler’s vocabulary. I’ll stop now because I won’t be the one to hit a guy minutes before he gets the ol’ heave-ho from Phil. And not just ’cause I’m not 6’10” or 260.
Speaking of Big Easy, I absolutely loved his comment to Flight Time who first attempted to red crayon his way through the clue, but managed to come out with the right information. ”You big headed it!” complimented Big Easy to his partner. I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure as hell going to use it as much as possible.
NEXT: Sam blurs the lines