Damn you, H20! You have foiled Jen, not once, but twice in a row! Last week, your liquid trickery rendered her athleticism moot as she struggled to swim in a pool. Had you stopped there, you would have been merely evil, you watery bastard. But no, you just couldn’t stop there, could you? You then took advantage of her need to drink you during a nasty food challenge, knowing full well that by using you she had made a deal with the devil. The wettest of devils! Masquerading as her savior, you then stormed her bladder like a Trojan horse (the soggiest of Trojan horses!) and inflated it to the size of a playground ball, thereby causing her to be eliminated. I know, water, I know: You’re a giver of life, and 62 percent of my body, but we all realize that you’re also a real douchebag when you put your mind to it.
Water, why couldn’t you have taken out all your aggressions on the cheerleaders, like machines do? Last night’s episode of The Amazing Race began with a taxi door swinging itself shut on Jaime’s head. This suddenly made me see the bright side of the crappy Stephen King movie Maximum Overdrive: If trucks ever do decide to gang up and target humans, occasionally we’ll all get a laugh as they slam their hoods or doors down on the fingers or heads of shrill pains-in-the-asses like Jaime. Small price to pay!
As evidenced by the breaking dawn when the teams rushed to their first clue box of the episode, the surprise double leg in Beijing had been going on for more than 24 hours, ideal conditions for intra-team squabbles. Margie griped about Luke, ”I don’t want to hear him yell ‘Mom!’ one more time.” (And I think she speaks for us all.) The teams then had to find a Travelocity roaming gnome with a clue on the bottom and lug it all over China. Just when you think product placement can’t get any more blatant, The Amazing Race is there to remind you that it always can. At least in Survivor‘s Charmin Café, they didn’t have to run around for the whole episode with toilet paper wrapped around their heads. Those gnomes are incredibly unwieldy branding opportunities; it’s like if everyone had to run around giving the Burger King a piggyback ride.
Jaime continued her love affair with the world’s taxi drivers. Considering how difficult a time she and Cara were having even finding a cab, I’m even more convinced that there’s an international dispatcher who has put out a worldwide APB to all cabbies to beware of and avoid two redheads in green jackets. One cabbie who made the mistake of picking them up looked terrified after he realized what he’d done: When Jaime leaned over the seat with her clue gnome, he recoiled as if she’d just produced a fistful of anthrax. Perhaps after this show the fear of Jaime will spread to all workers, not just cabbies, and long after the show has ended everyone will still duck when they see her coming. Jaime will not be able to so much as enter a Banana Republic without every salesperson leaping behind a rack of khakis and hiding until she goes away.
The episode’s first challenge was to ride past Tiananmen Square on electric bikes, though from all the pedaling, it didn’t look like the Racers were immediately catching on to the ”electric” part. I’d hate to see them face a Segway challenge; any trek is all the more exhausting when you’ve got a Segway slung over your shoulder. But even harder than riding an electric bike was pronouncing ”Tiananmen Square,” which most people called ”Tine-amen Square.” Hey, cut them some slack, the place doesn’t look that familiar without a guy standing in front of a tank.
NEXT: Tammy and Victor play waiter and waitress