This may not have been the greatest episode of The Amazing Race ever (though it was very, very entertaining), but it certainly was the stupidest. I can’t remember the last time this many low-IQ errors were made in a single hour. Was this an anomaly — a random confluence of idiocy — or have Bertram & Co. just assembled a particularly moronic group of partnerships this year? I bet they got this year’s lineup by calling up Wipeout‘s casting director and saying, “Hey, if anyone seems too mentally fragile to attempt the Big Balls, send ’em over to us.”
Things didn’t begin stupidly, however: They kicked off scarily. Ken reminded us about how the Race would decide whether his marriage with the scariest woman on earth — a.k.a. Tina — would continue in the wake of his cheating. “She doesn’t want a life sentence, and neither do I. We want life partners,” Ken said, quoting one of the 415 relationship handbooks that Tina likely assigned to him. As the episode progressed, I was amazed at how upbeat and encouraging he is to his wife, even while getting little but curses and angry glares in return. It seems to go beyond the penitent restraint of a guilty man. Is something else keeping him in line? Does Tina carry around a remote control that delivers electric shocks to his scrotum every time he displeases her? Wouldn’t surprise me: Frankly, there are times when she looks straight at the camera with her angry eyes that I feel like she’s got one of those zappers pointed at me.
And speaking of doomed couples, what about Sarah and Terence? Boy, opposites attract, don’t they? Sure, opposites bug the crap out of each other, too, but man, do they attract! Why, yes, they also cause mutual disdain and crippling irritation, but hey, what about the attrac… What’s that? Yes, I suppose opposites are also what spark million-year religious feuds and world wars, but sometimes they attract, don’t they? Don’t they? Erg. We kicked off with them bickering with each other because Sarah had had the temerity to speak to another team. And within minutes, he was sulking because she didn’t throw herself in the path of the oncoming cab trunk that hit him in the forehead. I spent all Sunday with my 11-month-old daughter, and Terence is still the biggest baby I saw all day.
NEXT: Plane games