”The Amazing Race”: Planes, trains, and autobahns
As much as they deserved the boot for (a) getting lost on the autobahn and (b) attempting to use Spanglish in just about every city, Wanda and Desiree were not my first choice for elimination when they showed up dead last in Munich. My vote was for the Double Ds — not because of their annoying schoolgirl crush on the now hard-to-beat frat boys but because of their sheer laziness in deciding to follow the second lamest team on that German highway to hell. Girlfriends already tried my patience by losing precious time during the first half of the leg (hitching a ride with the boy toys, then leaving a fanny pack back at the pool). But then deciding to save time (and what few brain cells they have) by tailing Wanda and Desiree to the next clue — talk about the epitome of AR sluggishness! Here’s an idea: Use a map! Ask for help! Flash your freakin’ boobs! Do anything but check out, chickies. (Speaking of checking out, don’t even think about it just because our fave TV Watcher Josh Wolk is gone again. I promise he’ll be back to resume his fine work next week.)
Much more fun to watch last night were those adorable hippies, who instantly gained my love and appreciation when they stopped to cheer on the tragically slow Fran and Barry. Great sportsmanship, boys. (But dudes, please refrain from the little details about how you ain’t wearing the BVDs, okay?)
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s recap: After learning this leg of the race was far from over, the frat boys maintained their hefty lead by jumping a plane to Frankfurt, then taking a train to Stuttgart for the sole purpose of plugging Mercedes-Benzes and their superior ability to hug a curvy road. (Love the sleek cars; hate this blatant product placement.) During the train ride, we also learned that a male pig can be found pretty much anywhere in the world, as Eric and Jeremy made nice with a guy who eagerly explained how German girls get better looking with booze. Meanwhile, Michelle and Lakeathan (as I now like to call him, because of his uncanny resemblance to a certain abusive husband from season 6) got the last night flight to Frankfurt with the hippies, leaving the rest of the players stalled at the airport until the next morning. Most demanding job in the world: working those airline ticket booths while the AR cameras roll and those yahoo racers are demanding immediate satisfaction. (Second most demanding job? The poor schmuck in CBS’ standards and practices department who attempted to avert an FCC fine by translating Michelle’s ”Oh, s—” as ”Oh, shoot” in the subtitles at the top of the hour. Like I believe she’s that careful to clean up her language when she’s married to a s— like Lakeathan.)
Once in Germany, David and Lori put on their true game face and gave Joseph and Monica some incorrect car directions (now that’s how you play this game!). Everyone eventually ended up at a roadblock requiring teams to unearth some buried Travelocity gnomes. (Insert gag reflex here.) This is also where someone should have translated the German word for ”fast” to Wanda, because she was being anything but that on the secluded field.
Next up: a pretty awesome detour requiring teams to either break stunt bottles on each other’s head or do a little Bavarian dance with a bunch of Heidi-like himbos. ”This Pauli girl is pretty hot,” said the frat boys about the lithesome Fräulein handing out clues. They managed to finish the stunt and show up first at the Munich pit stop, where Browsie referred to them as ”the biggest Casanovas in the history of this race.” Yeah, I know. Pigs — both of them. But their performance over the last two weeks has made me rethink my disdain for the boys from Florida (just as long as they never ever call Mr. Keoghan ”the big Philly style” ever again). And God bless ol’ Fran and Barry, whose German jig classes at their local senior center finally came in handy as they mastered the dancing detour to come in fourth — fourth! — in this stage of the race. Their best finish to date! Bring on those endorsement deals, Ensure.
As for you sweet fans, bring on the comments: Are Eric and Jeremy the team to beat? Do you think Michelle actually said ”shoot”? And are you at all eager to see a little tongle wrestling between the frat boys and the Pinks?