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''The Amazing Race'': A letter to Colin

”The Amazing Race”: A letter to Colin. It’s a non-elimination round, but a contestant’s freak-out makes it one of the most infuriating episodes of the season, says Marc Vera

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The Amazing Race
Colin and Christie: Tony Esparza

The Amazing Race

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Phil Keoghan
Jerry Bruckheimer
Current Status:
In Season

”The Amazing Race”: A letter to Colin

Dear Colin,

It seems that by this point in the race, you would have learned that you shouldn’t push your luck in foreign countries and act like you OWN the place. That’s right: This is a big fat shout-out to your stupidity, ignorance, and arrogance. And let’s not forget what a gentleman you are toward Christie.

You see, Colin, accidents happen. Look at the Bowling Moms, Linda and Karen — their taxi ran out of oil on the way to the airport, but they didn’t wig out. They politely asked their driver when help would arrive, and then — imagine this! — they cracked a couple jokes about the situation. But you, Colin, seemed close to kicking your cab driver’s face in when the spare tire he’d been driving on blew out. Sure, you had some reason to be upset — no one should drive 100 miles on a doughnut — but there was no need for you to scream at the cabbie like you did (”I can’t believe this s—! Oh my God!”).

But even before the tire blew, you were berating the driver, weren’t you? ”I’m not paying you if they pass us!” you threatened. ”You drive slower than my grandma. DAMMIT!” you screamed. For a minute there, Colin, I was worried that your rage would get you into a fix. Oh, wait — IT TOTALLY DID.

After arriving at the Kilimanjaro airport, what did you do? You told the driver you would only give him $50 because he drove on a spare. Of course the driver wanted $100 — that’s what the agreement was for. But as you’ve shown us before on ”The Amazing Race,” you’re not really to be trusted. So it wasn’t surprising that you kept telling the driver ”$50 or nothing” while your long-suffering girlfriend, Christie, urged you to just pay him the $100. (Psst… Christie, if you’re reading this: Girlfriend, please set your man straight and don’t let him play you!) Christie was right that you should pay: The fare was fair. (A cab ride from JFK airport to the EW.com offices in NYC is $45, and it’s not even 20 miles. Now THAT’S a rip-off.)

But you didn’t listen to reason, so off went the driver to get the cops, and off you and Christie went to the police station. And there, Colin, is where you really made an ass of yourself. I’m sure you thought you were being clever by saying ”$50 only… Hakuna matata.” But it was just insulting — why would you ever address grown men with nonsense dialogue from ”The Lion King”? Because you think it sounds vaguely Swahili? And then, when the cops didn’t back down, you placed all the blame on your girlfriend, telling her, ”This would be so much easier if you weren’t making this so difficult.” You’re lucky Christie seems willing to stay with you (though, I must say, she did seem to detest the forced kiss in the elevator once you’d finally paid up and made it to Dubai).

To be fair, you weren’t the only one I could accuse of bad behavior on this leg of the race. The God Squad, Brandon and Nicole, apparently think cheating people out of money is justified somewhere in the Bible: Instead of giving their cab driver the $100US they agreed to pay him, they tried to hand him just $70US, plus their remaining Kenyan cash. And I’ve gotta give it up to you, Colin: You and Christie still managed, somehow, to make it to the pit stop in first place, while the other teams made lots of mistakes (Chip and Kim ran out of money; the Bowling Moms, though cute as ever, had a couple off-roading mishaps; and the Blunder Twins, Kami and Karli, screwed up getting to the skydiving detour, arriving last in this non-elimination round).

But it’s hard to be even slightly impressed by your skill in the game when, judging from the preview of next week’s episode, you have yet another freak-out. I can’t wait to see you REALLY explode, Colin! Maybe then your rage finally will land you in last place — on an elimination round.

Marc Vera

What did you think of the episode? Who are you rooting for at this point?