”The Amazing Race”: It’s enough to make you sick
Did you catch last week’s clip show? Nah, neither did I. While I understand the economics of TV and how it’s not cost-effective to run an original episode so soon after Christmas, I’d rather believe the CBS brass thought Jonathan would take the ho ho ho out of our holidays, so they gave us a much-needed break from his weekly crap. But, oh, how he more than made up for the time off last night. But I’m not going to go there. No! Instead, I think I’ll take the advice of some of you and no longer give this couple any more of my attention than is necessary. In fact, think I’ll even go so far as to never say or write their names again. But should I have to refer to these two — and God knows I’ll have to because that damn spicy soup only kicked ’em in the ass but not off the show last night — then I’ll simply refer to him as He Who Would Be Vile and her as She Who Is in Denial.
So was something in the Hungarian air on this night? Damn, but if just about everybody didn’t have a little acid to spew throughout the entire leg. ”Why are you retarded right now?” ranted Rebecca. ”One of you I’m gonna break in half!” yelled Freddy. ”What part of ‘Hold the taxi’ don’t you understand!” screamed He Who Would Be Vile. So much hate, people — and in one of the most beautiful countries of the world! Thank God the now beloved Kris and Jon took some time out to enjoy their surroundings. (And can I just say how much I enjoyed the scenery Jon provided when he donned that Speedo and jumped into the pool? But more on that later.)
Some dumb luck for Lori and Bolo. Two weeks ago, we were left with the fear that the wrestlers were down for the count because they failed to catch a timely train to Budapest. Turns out something was available in the middle of the night that afforded them enough time to get to the next stop and safely join the others. Way to go, grapplers!
It was around this moment that I felt my first bit of sympathy for Hellboy. Not that I actually like this goof, but who can’t feel a little bit of pity for someone who has to endure things like ”I’m so over being romantic with you. You’re like my brother” when cameras are rolling two feet away. We get it, Rebecca! This is a relationship of convenience! Cut him some slack.
Great. Now I have sympathy for a stumpy guy with horns.
Teams were then dispatched to a crazy train yard, where everyone had to make a mad dash to their next clue but not before having to endure a flood of accusations from a freaked-out Freddy, who was convinced that someone slammed a gate down on his head. Dude — lemme save you some worry. That was me sending invisible gamma waves through the TV, but I meant to hit your hugely racist gal pal instead. Sorry. By this time, Lori and Bolo uncovered the race’s first fast forward and wisely chose to exercise it — it involved a relatively painless task of downing a goblet of pig’s blood. (Well, it seemed painless considering some of the show’s other icky eats of late.)
The rest went on to their next detour, where it would have been my first inclination to paddle a boat across the Danube instead of play water polo against a pro — but then I saw how the goalie was letting everyone whoosh a ball over his head with relative ease, including She Who Is in Denial. Clearly, Aaron didn’t notice this, because he exclaimed, ”I’m the Michael Jordan of water polo!” after easily sinking his ball, too.
And can I just say again how hot Jon looks in a Speedo?
Maybe the Race crew made this task easy because they knew how hard the next roadblock would be. One member of each team had to consume a 24-ounce bowl of red, spicy soup while a gaggle of guys played some bouncy music that only served to torture everyone more. Jon, as usual maintained the best attitude. ”You may want to tone it [the spices] down a little bit,” he joked with the cook. She Who Is in Denial, however, wasn’t feeling so jovial. Forced — once again — by her selfish partner to perform a painful task, she puked at least four times — which, in turn, prompted Aaron to blow a few chunks of his own. (Not feeling so cocky now, are ya, bile boy?) Meanwhile, an impressive Rebecca — certainly feeling superior after dressing down her man — consumed the soup in seconds flat. This, of course, did nothing to improve He Who Would Be Vile’s attitude. ”Look at her eat it at one million miles an hour!” he yelled. ”You’re not doing it right!” My God, why didn’t somebody vomit on him? (Stop it! You’re doing it again, Lynette. Maintain course.) Thankfully, my sense of humor was immediately restored when I heard Hayden tell Aaron in the taxi to wipe his nose because ”you’ve got snot pouring out from the spices.” Best roadblock yet, I think.
Sometime later, Gus and Hera limped into the restaurant after being the sole team to take the paddling detour across the Danube. Though Gus rocked at slurping his soup, it wasn’t enough to get him to the pit stop on time, and as a heartbreaking result, this marvelous father-and-daughter team was sadly eliminated. Nice guys do finish last, it seems. Now I feel like vomiting.
How do you feel? Did Lori and Bolo get off too easy? And what was more sickening — seeing all that nausea or seeing You Know Who’s continued abuse of his wife?