Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. There. That may seem excessive, but it is still approximately 13,872 less mentions of the words “mechanical dog” than uttered during last night’s episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
Mechanical dog here. Mechanical dog there. Mechanical dogs everywhere! There were so many damn mentions of mechanical dogs I was concerned we were about to be attacked by some sort of robot canine army. I would say that “mechanical dog” was uttered every single sentence, but that would be grossly inaccurate. Because judging by this quote by one Gary Busey, it was actually uttered twice every sentence: “The mechanical dog was my responsibility, but I didn’t have any support from my teammates on the mechanical dog.”
Someone needs to go right now and do a supercut of every mention of the phrase “mechanical dog” from the episode. It may be as long as the episode itself. In case you missed it — and really, what good excuse do you have for missing an episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice — and are confused as to why this was all happening, here’s a brief recap. Once the teams were tasked with creating a video promoting LG electronic devices, Plan B Project Manager Gary Busey decided to have his video be him acting like a mechanical dog — whatever the hell that is — which was to include him barking as well as getting down on all fours and humping the coffee table. I want to be absolutely clear that I am not making up some funny joke here. I am not stretching the truth, nor am I embellishing. That was actually his plan for the video. To quote Penn Jillette, “He is literally barking mad.”
To make matters even worse (which is to say, better), Gary’s version of the mechanical dog appeared to be vomiting rather than barking. “So, was the mechanical dog barking or throwing up?” asked Ivanka Trump when she visited the team on the task. Does it matter? Either way was freakin’ insane. Why was Gary Busey a mechanical dog? you may be asking. Well, the plot of his video centered around the fact that somehow an LG smartphone was going to keep human Busey from transforming into mechanical dog Busey. Don’t believe me? Listen to this line from the actual script: “If I didn’t have this, I’d be a mechanical dog for the rest of my life.” Why will Gary Busey turn into a mechanical dog if he does not have an LG smartphone? I HAVE NO IDEA! To quote perplexed LG executive James Fishler, “I really didn’t understand what that had to do with the video or any of the products.”
I didn’t understand either, and yet I humbly submit to the producers as well as any and all members of the Trump family that all future Celebrity Apprentice teams be forced to incorporate a mechanical dog theme into every single project from here until the end of time. Coming up with a new 3-D Universal Studios Orlando experience? Throw a mechanical dog in there! Need to impress Farouk Shami with a new Chi advertorial? Get a mechanical dog in that bad boy! Forced to shamelessly promote Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line? Sounds like it’s time to throw some bling on the mechanical dog!
As you can tell, I could talk mechanical dogs all day. And why not? Gary Busey did! But let’s put all that tomfoolery aside and get to other tomfoolery as we count off the 6 other most magical moments of the latest edition of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
NEXT: Going by the criteria, should Gary have actually won?