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The Celebrity Apprentice recap: The Final Battle Begins!

Two celebrities are fired…and immediately brought back to help Penn and Trace on the final task

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Celebrity Apprentice Recap

The Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status:
On Hiatus
Reality TV

How did I never realize this? It seems like the most obvious thing in the entire world, and yet it never even occurred to me. Had I half a brain I can assure you all of my Celebrity Apprentice, Survivor, and Walking Dead articles over the past decade would have been far different. Which is to say that every single photo on every single article would be a giant picture of a bedazzled Las Vegas showgirl’s crotch. Sure, that might not have a lot to do with Omarosa not being brought back into the Boardroom, Brenda being blindsided, or poor Lori Grimes dying while giving birth and then having her brains blown out by her son so she does not turn into a zombie, but the traffic numbers would be INSANE!

Let’s face it, everything goes better with a ginormous bedazzled Las Vegas showgirl’s crotch. At least that seemed to be the message conveyed by Penn Jillette’s advertisement that featured a woman’s private parts hovering over a glass full of ice cream. Or that was the message before Lisa Rinna started to doubt her team’s own accidental ingeniousness. “I love a bedazzled crotch more than anyone,” admitted Lisa. “But I don’t think it belongs in Walgreens.” WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK, LISA RINNA! Who are you to make such assumptions about Walgreens? Are you insinuating that Walgreens does not love a bedazzled crotch? What exactly are you insinuating here, Lisa? Don’t you stand here and tell us who can and can’t love a bedazzled crotch! For all we know Walgreens has been bedazzling crotches since back before you were doing mountains of blow as Billie Reed on Days of Our Lives. Walgreens is all about the bedazzled crotches!

However, against my better judgment, I will not be including any crotch shots in this week’s recap. I will, however, take a shameless pause for the cause to note that I correctly predicted the entire final five (Trace, Penn, Lil Jon, Lisa, Marilu) in my pre-game odds assessment. Am I that good or is Trump just that predictable? (While I dream it is the former, I am willing to concede to the latter.) Anyhoo, let’s get to it with the seven most magical moments of this week’s All-Star Celebrity Apprentice!

1. Lisa Rinna Has a Lot to be Thankful For

One of the things I miss from the old Apprentice days when was when people would leave the Boardroom in a huge huff after being fired. That never happens anymore mostly because Donald Trump kills their Celebrity Apprentice dreams with kindness, complimenting them to death as he kicks them off the show. But even these new kinder, gentler send-offs are entertaining in their own right due to the over-the-top praise and politeness on display. Take this exchange between Trump and Lisa Rinna that took place after the Donald summoned the final four back to The Boardroom and the announced he would be firing two of them on the spot. (What? No phony baloney job interviews this year? Boo!)

Because women basically never win this show (Joan Rivers is the only one is six seasons), Lisa was let go. And then we were treated to this brilliant exchange in which Mrs. Harry Hamlin attempted to set the land speed record for amount of times saying “thank you” in succession. Here is the glorious transcript:

Trump: Lisa, you’re fired. And congratulations, great job.

Lisa: Thank you.

Trump: Thank you very much.

Lisa: Thank you.

Penn: I’m so sorry, Lisa.

Lisa: Oh, it’s okay baby. [Back to Trump] Thank you very much.

Don Jr.: Well done, Lisa.

Trump: You really did a great job.

Lisa: Thank you so much. Really.

Ivanka: Congratulations.

Lisa: Thank you. This had been awesome. Thank you.

Trump: And don’t forget, you’ve won $505,000 for your charity.

Lisa: Thank you.

Trump: So you can be very proud.

Lisa: I am so proud.

Trump: Thank you.

Lisa: Thank you so much.

Trump: Great job, Lisa.

Lisa: Thank you.

That’s nine Thank Yous from Lisa Rinna! She out Thank You’d Donald Trump! Nobody out Thank Yous Donald Trump! You could even add all of Trump’s “Great Jobs” into his total, and Lisa still would have creamed him by a score of 9-5! For that outstanding display, I have but one thing to say to Lisa Rinna — thank you.

NEXT: Take us seriously. Seriously!