The Full House theme song once pondered, “Whatever happened to predictability?” Turns out, it took up residence on last night’s episode of 90210. Jen had her baby; now she’s nice! Dixon can’t tell the truth; Ivy’s mad! Oof. Thank goodness Silver’s plan to catch Cannon backfired. That, and Teddy’s struggle to come to terms with his sexual orientation, were the two things that kept me going last night. Let’s break down the action…
Silver, Naomi and Adrianna
For a show set in the iPhone-, Facebook-, Twitter-, FourSpace-fueled world, what was with Silver’s ancient instant-message program? Was this a nod to the 90210 of the past? The girls used said technology to chat with Mr. Cannon because I guess it’s totally normal to IM teachers outside of school. With some help from a “juicy” ellipsis, Silver invited Cannon to a hotel room to discuss her senior project, saying her house was being fumigated, even though fumigation is so not sexy. They set up a camera, Naomi and Aid watched from the next room, and the hope was that Cannon would fall right into their trap. The problem? The girls forgot that people as crazy as Cannon are sometimes crazy like a fox. He turned the tables, bringing the school principal and therapist in tow, and explaining that Silver lured him there inappropriately. Why didn’t Silver just tell them about Cannon raping Naomi? Did she think they wouldn’t believe her and instead think it was her bipolar disorder acting up? Did she still want to enact sweet revenge? Either way, she’ll have another opportunity to gain the upper hand, because her illness precluded her from any punishment, and thank goodness, because I love a good Naomi-maniacal laugh.
Annie wasn’t in on the capture-the-rapist game. Instead, she was getting lessons on hormone injections for her impending egg sale. She came home with a mystery bag of drugs, telling her mom it was a leftover sandwich. My issue 1) I know some people have trouble lying, but aren’t high schoolers experts at the game? This chick could lie about a hit-and-run but not a brown paper bag? And 2) Did Annie not think to hide the bag in a drawer, underneath a diary or notebook she never uses? Anyway, Mama Wilson found the bag, and Annie’s explanation that they were good drugs, not bad, wasn’t convincing, so Deb forbade Annie from going through with the sell. It’s a good thing Jen had her baby when she did, because Annie might not have ever known the gravity of child-bearing, whether her womb was involved or not. But I have a feeling her creepy boss won’t be too thrilled about Annie’s decision.
Speaking of Jen, it turns out that the devil can have a cute child! Jen gave birth to a boy, not a girl like the ultrasound had told her, named him Jacques (groan) and will probably send some poor staffer to return that itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny kind-of-inappropriate baby bikini. Like I said, Jen’s baby opened up a predictable plot line that I don’t quite care for: Her icy exterior is melting to reveal a warm interior. Bo-ring. Were these the last glimpses of bitchy Jen? Well, with Deb taking on the role of her executive assistant—for double the pay and overtime, go Deb!—hopefully not. I’m counting on her for gems like these: “I wanted to make sure a desperate housewife had that can-do spirit.”
NEXT: Teddy recoils from a completely asexual touch.