Ready (for it) or not, Taylor Swift’s reputation has arrived, and with it comes a whole new Taylor — one who is over 21, thank you very much, and has officially graduated from Diet Coke.
The highly anticipated new album dropped Friday and has received generally positive notice from critics, particularly for its personal lyrics; in her B-grade review, EW’s Leah Greenblatt observes that Swift’s latest is “half obsessed with grim score-settling and celebrity damage, half infatuated with a lover who takes her away from all that.”
How’s a pop starlet to navigate between those two extremes, you ask? Easy! Swift knows there’s only one way to cope with the trials of fame and heighten the heady thrills of a new romance — booze, naturally! She spends much of reputation (nine of its 15 tracks, to be exact), rattling off the beverages she’s imbibing — and she’s getting drunk on something a bit stronger than jealousy these days.
So slap on your red lipstick, queue up the new Taylor jams, and try not to ruin your own reputation after getting hammered like a pop princess.
“I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed” (“Getaway Car”)
Sigh, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Nothing to do but pour another, though, right?
“But you can make me a drink / Dive bar on the east side, where you at?” (“Delicate”)
Once upon a time, Taylor Swift sang about her desire to “dress up like hipsters” as if it were a disguise or a social experiment; on the same album, she told off an ex who would listen to “some indie record that’s much cooler than mine.” Five years later, she’s hitting up dive bars in Silver Lake, downing craft cocktails until she can’t even remember those days never happened.
“Whiskey on ice, Sunset and Vine / You’ve ruined my life by not being mine” (“Gorgeous”)
The main thing to take from this lyric is that you should never follow directions from drunk Taylor, as the intersection of Sunset and Vine in Hollywood is a good place to get a pumpkin spice latté or some Chipotle, but you should stay on the east side if you’re looking for that whiskey on ice. On the other hand, now that Taylor has entered the stage of dramatic proclamations about her ruined life, it might not be a bad idea to sober up with a burrito.
“Touch me and you’ll never be alone / I-Island breeze and lights down low” (“…Ready For It?”)
Oh, an island breeze! Looks like it’s time to move from whiskey to rum. How refreshing!
“Drinking on a beach, with you all over me” (“End Game”)
That fruity cocktail has gotten you in a tropical mood, so you’d better keep up your cross-town westward motion and keep going until you hit the Pacific. Feel the sand in your toes, savor the drink on your tongue! There is also, apparently, a lover involved. But we only promised to help you drink like Taylor, so that part’s on you.
“With all these nights we’re spending / Up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush / Drinking beer out of plastic cups / Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff / Baby, all at once, this is enough” (“King of My Heart”)
As the “Look What You Made Me Do” video very efficiently proved, Taylor is a woman who can wear many hats. So we shouldn’t be surprised that while, yes, she can lie in a bathtub full of diamonds (and one dollar bill) without so much as blinking, she can also just, like, hang on a rooftop and drink Bud Light out of Solo cups. Not fancy stuff. Not at all! Until…
“Jump into the pool from the balcony / Everyone swimming in a champagne sea” (“This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”)
There’s no drinking like glamorous drinking, and Taylor has now entered territory first explored in the impossibly decadent “Blank Space” music video, this time with a fizzily intoxicating twist. Her voice is full of money as she recalls “feeling so Gatsby for that whole year.” The books aren’t real, but the booze is. Drink it up.
“I’m spilling wine in the bathtub / You kiss my face and we’re both drunk” (“Dress”)
That champagne-soaked Gatsby party has Taylor in the mood to bathe in alcohol — an impulse we can relate to, though not a practice we would necessarily recommend. At this point, though, if you’ve made it home and are sitting in your own bathtub, who even cares about retaining any semblance of dignity. Follow your heart. Immerse yourself in pinot.
“I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day” (“New Year’s Day”)
Ah, yes, the morning always comes, and with it, a reckoning. Time to face the many messes — both physical and personal — you made the night before. A new day has begun. It is time to cleanse, to breathe fresh clean air, to drink something hydrating and wholesome (e.g. water). But wait! Is one of these bottles… unopened? Does anyone have some orange juice??? Happy New Year, indeed!