Friday marks the 30th anniversary of the release of Guns N’ Roses’ debut album, Appetite for Destruction. The album remains the best-selling debut of all time. Three decades haven’t dimmed this towering gutter-glam opus. Come, sweet child, as we rank every track.
1. “Paradise City”
There is no zip code. Only a magical metal Narnia where the grass is green, the girls are pretty, the Jack Daniel’s flows like an 80-proof river, and the pants are never not white leather.
2. “Sweet Child O’ Mine”
Love is a girl with eyes of the bluest skies, hair that reminds Axl of a warm safe place, and a guitar solo long enough to floss to.
3. “Welcome to the Jungle”
You know where you are, right? Did you bring your sha-na-na-nana-na kneepads? Because we got fun and games! It’s just like Dave & Buster’s — except instead of cheese fries and Mario Kart, you’re gonna diiiiiieeee.
4. “Rocket Queen”
Weirdly not an ode to a female astronaut, though she does seem to know a lot about combustibles.
5. “My Michelle”
The Beatles’ Michelle was a French girl so belle she made Paul McCartney turn bilingual; GN’R’s Michelle has a daddy who works in porno, and she gets her dope for free. It’s really diversified, this muse business.
6. “Mr. Brownstone”
The song you told your mom was about a superfriendly neighbor — he loves to dance, so he just keeps knocking — and totally 1,000 percent not slang for heroin.
7. “You’re Crazy”
God bless the maniac so feral and ruthless and out to get her own Hanoi rocks off that Axl actually admits he’s riding shotgun on her Crazy Train.
8. “It’s So Easy”
Things you can get away with when you’re GN’R: seducing little sisters, drunk-crashing cars, deciding bicycle shorts are just the thing to bring that bandannaand-a-blazer stage look together.
9. “Think About You”
The lyrics say, “I offer my heart to you in a Hallmark card”; the music says, “I want to wrap your skull in barbed wire and set it on fire.”
Welcome to the Appetite Express! Please stow your rattlesnake suitcase and proceed to the dining car for a Molotov cocktail and a cigarette or seven. We should be pulling into Hades around, oh, 4 a.m.
11. “Out Ta Get Me”
Maybe they’re out ta get you. Or maybe they just want to talk to you about the bike shorts, bro.
12. “Anything Goes”
The boys at their Sunset skeeziest, proposing the kind of al fresco sex you will almost definitely need a tetanus shot for later.