August 14, 2017 at 02:59 PM EDT

Catch more from Dern in the full episode of Entertainment Weekly: The Show, available now on the People/Entertainment Weekly Network (PEN). Go to PEOPLE.com/PEN, or download the free app on your Smart TV, mobile and web devices.

We already know so much about what to expect in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, but this is totally fake news.

Laura Dern couldn’t divulge secrets from the galaxy far, far away when she popped in for Entertainment Weekly: The Show, but she did reveal what’s definitely, 100 percent not in the movie. For instance, fans should not expect Luke Skywalker’s first words uttered in the new installment to be, “Nah, I’m good.”

We can also presume the opening crawl won’t consist of emojis, the X-Wings definitely won’t turn into NC-17-Wings, and Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) isn’t secretly the cousin of Ren from the Ren and Stimpy cartoon. Although, let’s not immediately ignore Dern’s idea that Mario Batali should have his own morning cooking show for Wookies called The Chew-bacca. Raise your hand if you’d watch that.

Dern is top notch when it comes to dodging spoilers for The Last Jedi, but we know she’ll play the magenta-haired Resistance officer Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo. Director Rian Johnson showed fans at this year’s D23 Expo a photo of Dern wielding a blaster.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi will open in theaters on Dec. 15. Watch Dern on EW: The Show above.

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