June 14, 2017 at 11:55 AM EDT

The Mummy, Universal’s first foray into its so-called Dark Universe, premiered on Friday to a deflated box office and even worse reviews. EW’s Chris Nashawaty said in his EW review, “The story feels as stitched together as Frankenstein’s monster,” and, “It all feels a little derivative and unnecessary and like it was written by committee (which a quick scan of its lengthy script credits confirms).” EW’s full review roundup reveals what other critics hated about the movie, from Tom Cruise’s stiff performance to a plot that’s mainly prologue.

All of this makes it the perfect target for an installment of the fake trailer series “Critics Are Raving” from ScreenCrush. In it, a narrator dubs over clips from the movie with some of the most savage reviews garnered by the film.

“UPROXX hails, ‘If you like incomprehensible collections of things that vaguely resemble other things you might’ve enjoyed in the past, The Mummy is the movie for you,'” the formless voice bellows, noting that this is “the first of eight of these freaking Dark Universe movies.”

Watch the fake trailer, which might actually be more entertaining than the movie, above.

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