“It’s cranking the naughty down from room temp to ice cold,” the gravelly-voiced announcer says. “In this two-hour movie that only has 10 minutes of actual sex in it.” The Junkies even tally up all the sex scenes, ones “that throb with the imagination of a bible study group” — counting three coital episodes in which Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) keeps his pants on, as well as one steamy shower scene in which he… keeps his pants on, as well.
“You want a vanilla relationship?” Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) asks. “No, that is not why I wore an overcoat to the theater!” our announcer whines in response. “This epic voice guy doesn’t want vanilla, he wants some rocky road!”
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Watch the full trailer above for more on “walking red flag” Christian Grey’s predilection for stalking, adult toys, and… The Chronicles of Riddick — the movie’s poster inexplicably hangs in this lothario’s bedroom.