1 of 15
Your ideal life partner should be much, much older than you.
May-December relationships are often frowned upon in polite company, but being loved by someone with considerable life experience can lead to a profound sense of emotional and psychological security. So how very fortunate for young Bella Swan that her beloved Edward Cullen has lived for more than a century. Think of all the interesting stories he can tell her about the Spanish influenza, the Great Depression, and the rest of the 20th century!
2 of 15
If you're going to break your friend?s heart by choosing his romantic rival, make sure to let him down easy by explaining that you're still in love with him.
At the end of Eclipse, Bella has to make a final decision between her two suitors: Well-heeled vampire Edward and Thoreauvian werewolf Jacob. The fact that she chooses Edward is already a disappointment for Jacob, but then Bella explains that she actually does love Jacob... she just loves Edward more. According to the Transitive Property of Love in the Time of Cholera, this ensures that Jacob will be eternally devoted to Bella Swan. Which could get awkward...
3 of 15
Maybe don?t let that guy who used to be in love with you hang out with your daughter.
NEW FACEBOOK MESSAGE:
''Hey there, Li'l Renesmee! I'm your Uncle Jacob. Did you know that me and your ma had a little fling back in the day? Say, you kind of look a little bit like her. Except younger, more impressionable, and not in a relationship with a guy who I hate. Anyhow, hit me back, let's hang-hang sometime. Tell your mom that I love her, too!''
4 of 15
The most valuable way to spend eternity is by repeating high school over and over again.
The great vampire humanitarian (vampiritarian?) Carlisle Cullen essentially runs a reform school for teenaged vampires, teaching youthful bloodsuckers that human life is meaningful. Cullen then sends his adoptive ''children'' — one of whom, you'll recall, was a Confederate officer in the Civil War — to perpetually repeat high school. Such devotion to the American public education system is inspiring.
5 of 15
Growing old is totally gross.
From the moment Bella falls in love with Edward, she can feel her biological clock ticking. Edward is forever 17, but Bella's lame human genes keep on deteriorating. In her nightmares, she sees herself as a horrifying old person — you know, someone with ''wrinkles'' (ewww!) and ''life experience'' (no thanks!) and ''probably enough forethought to not make any major life decisions based on hormonal emotion'' (disgusting!). I'll take an eternity of glow-dancing in the forest, please.
6 of 15
British people are scary, but you know who are really scary? Italians with British accents.
I suppose it's not entirely accurate to call the Volturi ''Italian'' — ringleader Aro was born in ancient Greece — but surely, after several centuries of residence in Volterra, they can be considered naturalized citizens. And they've apparently spent their centuries under a Tuscan sun practicing an upper-crust Brit accent, thus making them even scarier.
7 of 15
The most effective way to kill one suburban teenager is to turn dozens of people into vampire soldiers.
Who needs a weapon when you have a squadron of untrained, uncontrollable, semi-psychotic mega-vampires, and also a cute little girl like Bree Tanner?
8 of 15
Beware ambitious women.
Victoria is essentially the main villain for half of the Twilight cycle, and you can look at her as a precise mirror image of the saga's heroine. Unlike the monogamous, family-oriented, generally passive Bella, Victoria is a globe-trotting, goal-oriented go-getter who leaves a string of powerful-yet-submissive men in her wake. In Eclipse, she raises her own army, which is kind of like starting your own business. In short, she is the devil.
9 of 15
Domestic abuse is acceptable as long as the abuser totally didn?t mean it.
Sam?s fiancée Emily bears scars along the right side of her face, a cruel reminder of a moment when Sam lost control of his werewolf powers. Obviously, the correct thing for Emily to do would probably be to seek a better life in a less violent living situation. Obviously, domestic abuse is wrong, lycanthropy or no lycanthropy. Obviously, Susan B. Anthony would be horrified. But... actually, let's just move on.
10 of 15
Are you hanging out with a dangerous crowd? Well, the important thing is that you never, ever, ever tell your parents anything.
Here is the story of Twilight from the perspective of Charlie Swan: His sad-faced daughter Bella arrives in town, and starts spending all her time with a boy from the town?s mysterious, wealthy family. She disappears, only to wind up in the hospital a few days later. When the mystery-boy breaks her heart, she spends months in a semi-suicidal state of depression. Then she disappears for a few days again. She has no intention of attending college, nor indeed any apparent goals beyond spending the rest of her life with her boyfriend. In short, Twilight is every parent's nightmare. Parents are so lame.
11 of 15
Sex leads to pregnancy almost immediately.
The Twilight saga is, at a certain level, built on a foundation of collective cultural prurience: We spent three years and four movies waiting for these two young people to just get it on already. But Breaking Dawn serves as a kind of Scared Straight-ish corrective, when Bella becomes pregnant on her honeymoon. Also, the baby is a monster who is slowly killing her. If you want to make sure your teenage daughter never has sex, consider taking them to an exciting holiday double bill at the movie theater: Breaking Dawn — Part 1, and We Need to Talk About Kevin.
12 of 15
Having trouble with your pregnancy? Nuts to medical science, you've got family!
Medical technology, schmedical technology. For a difficult birth, just depend on the love, attention, and sharp teeth of your family members.
13 of 15
There is absolutely nothing strange about siblings who date.
Think about it. You already live with your brothers and your sisters. You know all their habits. Really, why wouldn't you date them? After all, people who aren't exactly like you are so weird.
SPOILER ALERT! If you haven't seen Breaking Dawn — Part 2 and don't want to know any plot points, click here to skip the next slide
14 of 15
Just because you can see the future doesn't mean you should do anything to save Maggie Grace's life.
The Cullen sibling Alice has the magical ability to read three pages ahead in the screenplay of her own movie. Because she can see the future, she provides the climatic deus ex machina for Breaking Dawn -- Part 2, since she can show Aro dying in battle with the Cullen clan. That means she saves pretty much everyone's life...except for poor Irina (Grace), who is killed by the Volturi a couple minutes before Alice appears. Why? Because nuts to you, Maggie Grace, that's why!
15 of 15
Everyone is an ethnic stereotype, besides people from the Pacific Northwest.
Irish people wear newsboy hats and have red hair. Amazon women are tall and mystical. Native Americans are wolf-people who can really commune with nature, y'know? Blonde women are brittle ice queens who live in Alaska. Romanians are all like ''Eyyy, een Old Romania, we were Romanian, yes?'' Pretty much everyone's a noble savage. Except for people in Washington, who wear sweaters.