1 of 17
Bachelor Pad recap: There Are No Winners Here
They all pile into limos, where Elizabeth — never one to miss an opportunity to browbeat Kovacs into loving her — warns him that if their dance instructor is female and Kovacs makes eye and/or bodily contact with her, she will set his bed on fire in the middle of the night. (Okay, I'm paraphrasing.) —Kristen Baldwin
2 of 17
Project Runway recap: Chasing Jackie O.
Even if Val committed the cardinal sin of boring Nina, it's hard to argue that her too-sporty sportswear was worse than Andy's journey to an entirely different solar system. How. On. Earth. Could. Any. Designer. Put. That. Into. The. World. And. Argue. That. Jackie. Would. Wear. It. WHAT? ''She's more Jackie Yo than Jackie O,'' said April. Well, I was thinking more a color-blind, cross-dressing medieval court jester who hides his opium pipe in the folds of his bloomers. —Missy Schwartz
3 of 17
Vampire Diaries recap: There's a He-Wolf in the Closet
I'm already imagining the Great Salvatore-Lockwood Showdown. In my mind, the Salvatore Brothers are wearing black button-down shirts that have lost their buttons from all their quick movements, so they hang open. The Lockwood men are either totally shirtless or wearing tanks like the one Mason sported for the jog in this episode. Seriously, bravo, costume designer Jennifer Bryan. You made me want to pause on Mason's chest and zoom in on that tease of a back tattoo. —Mandi Bierly
4 of 17
Jersey Shore recap: Wifed Up
Most tragically, Vinny had to play beta male to two alpha dogs. After Vin-Vin did his best Michael Cera impression on the phone with Ramona, Pauly D dropped this must-memorize line on his lady: ''Vinny is gonna take the girl he's in love with. I'm gonna take the girl I'm in love with. You can come, too.'' Meanwhile, Vinny's Uncle Nino stole the show from everyone. Sure, he spoke no language I have ever heard, and he called JWoww ''Jay-Gwoww.'' But he got Jay-Gwoww into the hot tub for the first time all season. And that's why Uncle Nino is a great American hero. —Darren Franich
5 of 17
Survivor recap: The Stuff You Didn't See in the Premiere!
Okay, we can't talk about the opening without getting into the other big twist: the Medallion of Power. When Probst first mentioned the twist to me, I honestly thought he was joking. Seriously, I was sure he was punking my ass for all those times I made fun of his hat and/or sunglasses. I mean, c'mon, it sounds like the title of a freakin' Dokken album, for crying out loud! And then, when I rewatched the episode at home on television, it was so cheesy that I could swear when he said it that a small pool of Velveeta began congealing under my TV set. Which is why henceforth this twist shall be refereed to as the Medallion of Velveeta. —Dalton Ross
6 of 17
Gossip Girl recap: We'll Always Have Paris
Welcome to Paris, where if you did not spend your summer being a vespa slut who paints nude men like you're reenacting a scene in Titanic, your last name is clearly not van der Woodsen. And as usual, Serena was having enough fun for two, since Blair was still walking around with a ''Chuck-sized cloud'' over her head. (To which my filthy mind replied, Really, how big IS Chuck? Help me.) —Sandra Gonzalez
7 of 17
Top Chef finale recap: And the Winner Is...
The 10,000 judges were narrowed down to the main four (Tom, Padma, Gail, and Eric) for judges' table and they, like me, seemed to rule Ed out pretty quickly. The explanation for his amateur dessert was as weird as the dessert itself. ''What am I supposed to do?'' Ed asked, before going on to say how he could've messed up a lemon curd if he'd made one. Huh? But he didn't make a lemon curd. No one asked him to make a lemon curd! What sort of reasoning is ''I could've messed it up''? He could've messed up everything! #Fail. —Archana Ram
8 of 17
The Apprentice premiere recap: WE'RE IN A RECESSION!
Suddenly David's freaking out. He was going to call his A/V contact but now he's thwarting Clint and threatening to call the flower shop? What is going on? David cycles back and forth between what Clint calls ''happy-go-lucky and this...flaming, ignited human'' — and, true to this description, ends up heroically taking time out from one of his tantrums to flash the camera a maniacal thumbs-up. —Annie Barrett
9 of 17
America's Next Top Model recap: Power Up
This week's challenge: Walking in a Diane von Furstenberg fashion show! Er, on a weird clear platform that jutted out into the air, four storeys off the ground. Welcome to upskirt town, population: everyone's panties. It was bad when Mr. Jay garbled ''von Furstenberg'' once, but twice? As Joan Harris would say, that's egregious. —Margaret Lyons
10 of 17
Mad Men recap: A Swimmingly Good Time
As good it was to see Don wash himself clean in the pool, it was almost more encouraging to see those bare feet under his writing table. Don finally looked calm and comfortable in his own skin, daring to put some of his headspace down on the page. ''I'm trying to gain a modicum of control over the way I feel,'' he wrote. ''I want to wake up. I don't want to be that man.'' —Karen Valby
11 of 17
90210 recap: A Quake, a Death, and a Teenage Strip Show
Let's talk Adrianna and Navid: Sweet and innocent love is great in real life, but it has no place on primetime television. I'd love to see this couple shake things up, but for now, we're just dealing with Javier's sudden death (no more Diego Boneta songs during the episodes?) and Adriana's flailing career. That means singing songs she didn't write that were meant for somebody else, but, hey, like her boyfriend said, the stuff she wrote herself was never really that great. —Archana Ram
12 of 17
Big Brother finale recap: Old Faces, New Drama, and a Winner!
Recognizing his chances of getting taken to the final two were bleak, Enzo (aka Meow Meow/aka Godfather/aka satanic cult member) tried his hand at manipulation, or ''brainwashing.'' Giving Lane the benefit of the doubt, Enzo assumed there was a brain to be washed and tried to convince the Texan to re-think his intention to take Hayden to the final two. It kind of worked. Lane's heart was telling him to take Hayden and his head was telling him to take Enzo. Considering Lane was never one to neglect his head — eeeewwww, I hate myself for that, I really do — I think there's a good chance he would have taken Enzo. Turns out it was a lot of grief over nothing; Hayden won the final HOH. —Sandra Gonzalez
13 of 17
The Real Housewives of D.C. recap: Tareq Is a Punk, But You Knew That
Michaele and Tareq gloated to each other over a glass of sparkling apple cider about the winery's glorious future and how they restore honor to the Salahi name with Tareq's father's blessing. Just then the sound of sirens came roaring down the driveway. Would somebody just arrest these two once and for all? —Karen Valby
14 of 17
America's Got Talent finale recap: And the Winner Is... When it came down to the results, Prince Poppycock was the first to go (did I just type that?!). At this point in the competition, The Prince seemed larger than life, and his huge fanbase (made up largely of enthusiastic PopWatchers) made me believe he had a real shot at winning. To soften the blow, Piers attempted to make amends with the loser and explained he made a ''mistake'' in buzzing him last night. —Emily Exton
15 of 17
Nikita recap: Walk Hotly and Carry a (Really) Big Gun
This week's plot came directly from The Big Book of Screenwriting Clichés for Action-Drama Series: A deposed and entirely horrible Eastern European dictator sought short-term protection, a long-term return to power, and some alone time in the fantasy suite with a ''bachelorette''; Division sought access to the uranium that Dadich stored away before his prison stint. And, oh, Nikita? All she wanted to do was assassinate the baddie as the latest move in her high-stakes chess game with her former bosses. Sounded simple enough, except for the fact that Alex, Nikita's mole inside Division, got plucked from her computer-hacker training to serve as Dadich's reluctant plaything. —Michael Slezak
16 of 17
Top Chef Just Desserts recap: Chocolate Should Be Decadent, But What About Sparkly?
Seth, Zac and Heather H. got the judges' thumbs up, but disco Zac stole the spotlight, not for his brownie sundae, but for talk of birthing his dessert and a veiled reference to his childhood. (''I have a lot of experience [in this]...you don't know who that kid's going to hang out with and you don't know how that kid is going to be perceived.'') But count on Zac to bring it back to the disco: ''I aim to make a party.'' Still, blowing sparkles onto a dessert? Gross! —Archana Ram
17 of 17
Dating in the Dark photo recap: The season 2 finale!
Oh, of course, the first round of one-on-one dates. Here, Ray pollinates Kayla with his gross tongue. She was begging for it and all he had to do was not have B.O.! ''One thing that really turns me on is a guy who wears deoderant.'' It is later revealed that Kayla herself wears Old Spice, and I kind of would have liked to see some more exploration of that. —Annie Barrett