1 of 14
True Beauty recap: Anyone for crabs?
It made sense that Craig, who slathers cocoa butter all over his body on the reg and calls it ''an island secret,'' would have to pose with seafood. ''I have crabs…not literally,'' he explained after lifting up the covered-dish dome of doom. But he was wrong; Craig literally did have crabs. —Annie Barrett
2 of 14
Next Food Network Star recap: I know why the amber woodpecker shooshes
It's time to chop off and discard Dzintra, who was randomly/accurately described last week by a commenter named ''Stormy'' as looking like ''an old TWA stewardess.'' Right at the top of the episode, the spastic chef declared that her appearance in the bottom three during the last elimination challenge was the worst situation of her whole life, which instantly negated any sympathy I might have felt in watching her get the boot. —Michael Slezak
3 of 14
The Real L Word premiere: Really, Showtime?
None of these women are bimbos; they know what needs to happen for TV — especially lame reality TV — to come together. Most of them even work in the biz. So while they might not seem desperate for fans, they do seem desperate to create soundbite-filled, neat little story lines for the producers. —AB
4 of 14
True Blood recap: Werewolves, Nazis and an armadillo
If there's one thing we know about True Blood, it's that it'll keep around hot torsos as long as possible. So instead, the King shot and killed the guy whose ear Bill had bitten. Thank you, Alan Ball. —Mandi Bierly
5 of 14
The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: The Calm before the storm
The doctor commented that she had one of the biggest deformities ever, and that this would not be an easy procedure — but as Danielle says, nothing in her life is easy. Ugh save the sob stories for your therapist, lady. —Emily Exton
6 of 14
The Bachelorette recap: Revelations on ice
Kirk: ''Los Angeles is where our journey had begun/And where I first noticed your adorable freckles in the afternoon sun.'' [Bonus points for the later mention of her ''rich root-beer eyes.'' Very vivid description, Kirk.] —Jennifer Armstrong
7 of 14
My Life on the D List recap: Old Miss Imperfect
The entire episode was surreal. I only tuned in because Liza Minnelli was on last week; I don't usually watch this show at full attention, but now I know I'll never stop. I used to assume I'd want to violently shake Kathy Griffin by the shoulders the whole time, and that's still true, but I'd want to do that because I love her so much, if that makes sense. Also, I want to get drunk with her mom. —AB
8 of 14
Deadliest Catch recap: The beginning of the end
They hugged again, and Jake said, ''I love you, pops.'' I think every fan breathed a sigh of relief that Jake got to tell his father that at a moment when there's no question that Phil heard him. Phil decided to cut their trip short and head to St. Paul Island so Jake could get off the boat and into treatment. Would Phil had gotten those final days with his sons at the hospital if he'd been out at sea when he had his stroke? You don't want to think about it, but after watching a heart attack victim being lifted off another fishing vessel in last week's episode, how do you not? —MB
9 of 14
Boston Med premiere review: It was no Grey's Anatomy, and thank goodness for that
And there was also emergency-room nurse Amanda Grabowski, who, if this was a fictional show, I'd be calling its break-out star. Tough, quick-witted, and pretty, Grabowski is a TV natural — but that's only because she seems to be a natural at living her real life, dealing with hair-raising emergencies, doctors' bloated egos, and a parade of dumb or angry or patronizing patients with remarkable skill and ease. It's no wonder Boston Med uses a moment when a doctor asks her out on a date in its promo ads; chances are, a lot of viewers would want to do the same. —Ken Tucker
10 of 14
The Real Housewives of New York lost footage: Tired
In the most obnoxious scene, Jill and Bobby went shopping. She bemoaned the fact that she always gets shafted in the present department because their anniversary and her birthday and the holidays fall so close within one another. So she ickily cajoled her Bobby to buy her an expensive watch and an ugly necklace in exchange for the possibility of nookie. Gross. —Karen Valby
11 of 14
So You Think YOu Can Dance recap: One sleepy show
In fact, I haven't felt so emotionally dead since Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Because honestly, it seemed as though everyone phoned it in. (Surprising, since last week's performance episode was so awe-inspiring.) Nigel seemed more focused on the World Cup than what was going on up on stage. The dancers looked more bored than a sleep-deprived Twilight star. The costumers forced the most heinous clothing on our dancers, and dressed Mia and Nigel as if they were Mama and Greg Brady. —Kate Ward
12 of 14
Top Chef recap: Cooking for the kids and Kass
They all seemed to pull it together without losing any digits, but Teams Stephen/Jacqueline and Tiffany/Lynne were Kass' bottom two. The former lacked creativity (white bread is TC blasphemy, apparently) and the latter's saltimbocca had a funky texture. Add saltimbocca to the list of things I've never heard of and things people on TC use to sound really cool. —Archana Ram
13 of 14
Doctor Who recap: There will be 'Cold Blood'
Maybe Doctor Who has gone all Final Destination on us. Rory did, after all, cheat ''death'' after getting turned into a pile of sand two weeks ago during ''Amy's Choice''; perhaps the universe decided his ''dust to dust'' moment couldn't be delayed any longer? —MS
14 of 14
Hell's Kitchen recap: The hen is a pigeon, the chicken is a duck
What went wrong? After close analysis of the two contestant's movements, I've come up with three key morals students can learn from the Tale of Scott and Autumn:
1. Shut up.
2. Shut up.
3. Seriously, Scott, shut up.