More from EW
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Dazzling Feats of Strength
If only it were the Summer Games — your day will come, Zangief!
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Totally Convincing Accents
Sean Connery: ''You speak Russian?''
Alec Baldwin: ''Well, you certainly don't.
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Naturally Gifted Athletes
Like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, they will break you. In fair contests, of course!
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Is thigh murder an Olympic event yet? The way Goldeneye's Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) did it, it should be!
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Dignitaries from Pottsylvania
If we're lucky, perhaps Fearless Leader himself will show!
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Warm, Welcoming Local Citizens
Unless you happen to be a Jewish mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz.
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Weird, Large-Scale Light Installations
You know, the kind that make you miss your dinner date with your cool new French friends like Carrie did on Sex and the City. Thanks a lot, Russia.
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Dancing Bears, Painted Wings, Things We Almost Remember...
Also within reason: Horses prancing through a silver storm.
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The Power of Wind
Courtesy of Captain Planet's Linka. (And the 2016 Rio Olympics, of course, will be brought to us by Heart. Obrigado, Ma-Ti!)
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Wery amusing face-pulling (in the style of Star Trek's Pavel Chekov), as well.
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Either performing in cute costumes or devouring their enemies, whatever comes first.
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Those Guys from Fiddler on the Roof Who Dance With Bottles on Their Hats
Those guys should be at every ceremony!
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Tips on How to Fix Problem in Russian Space Station
(Hits panel with piece of debris)
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Like that famous play, Waiting for the Russian to Come Running Out the Woods.
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The Pamchenko Twist
Unless Russian pairs skaters Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov are saving that for their long program, of course.