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Snooki vs. Random Dude in the Bar
The show's first brawl was also its shortest, but arguably its most famous. Snooki was talking a big game, but her opponent hit her with a sucker punch.
Winner: He went to jail; she became famous. Snooki.
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Ronnie vs. Other Random Dude in the bar
Ah, the end of summer, when a young man's fancy turns to WAR! Ronnie got into a scuffle and was carted off to the police station.
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J-Woww vs. The Situation
Famously combative J-Woww knocked Sitch one in Atlantic City. In her defense, The Situation was acting like The Situation.
Winner: Split decision.
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Ronnie vs. Sammi
All great rivalries have to start somewhere, and there is no conflict more important to the Shore mythology than the ever-swirling tsunami of passive-aggression and aggressive-aggression that is the Sammi-and-Ronnie relationship. They got into a verbal battle at the first-season reunion. It would not end there.
Winner: Ronnie, who managed to avoid crying.
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J-Woww vs. Sammi
The Affair of the Note — a defining season 2 subplot that saw the girls in the house write Sammi an anonymous note about Ron's infidelities — reached its stunning conclusion when Sam and Jenni descended into hair pulling and claw slapping. In another life, they would have been best friends. Tragedy.
Winner: Sammi, on points.
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Snooki vs. Angelina
A fight that had been brewing for months finally exploded when Snooki tackled the departing Angelina. Lil Shnookuma held her nemesis in a Greco-Roman full-body choke hold. It was just like UFC, except with four-foot-tall orange girls.
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J-Woww vs. Sammi, rematch
The third season kicked off with a grudge match between the two girls, who by this point were sworn enemies. J-Woww made the first move, but only because Sammi was verbally attacking new arrival Deena.
Winner: J-Woww, with her flying fists of fury.
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Ronnie vs. Sammi, rematch
During possibly the single drunkest night of the third season, Sammi saw Ronnie talking and crying to his old friend J-Woww. She bopped him one on the jaw.
Winner: Ronnie, who practiced nonviolence, just like Gandhi. Kids, violence is wrong.
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Ronnie vs. Sammi, championship bout
The final apocalyptic showdown between Ron and Sam resembled a John Cassavetes film starring a cast of overstuffed zoo animals, with Ron destroying Sam's things and the other housemates literally holding Sam back from strangling Ronnie. Listen, breaking up is hard to do.
Winner: Sammi, who wisely left the house before unwisely returning.
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Ronnie vs. Himself
The most tragic figure on Jersey Shore, Ronnie famously announced his intention of never falling in love at the Jersey Shore literally hours before falling in love at the Jersey Shore. He spent the better part of a year extricating himself from a toxic relationship, only to immediately restart said relationship constantly. He is also such a big man who cries like such a beautiful tiny person. He is his own worst enemy. Aren't we all?