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One quick helicopter jaunt away from Costa Rica, the lovely tropical island of Isla Nublar has everything: sunshine, trees, giant prehistoric creatures re-created using highly advanced genetic engineering, and did we mention the sunshine? You'll have the time of your life riding through the park in our supersafe high-security* safari. Thrill to the colossal apatosaurus! Avert your nose from the pile of triceratops feces! Good God, just run away from the velociraptors!
*Note: The park cannot be held responsible for loss of items and/or limbs. — Darren Franich
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The Caribbean, various ports
If you're someone who seeks adventure, freedom, excitement, and a treasure chest, then find yourself a ship — preferably one that's not cursed — and ride a strong wind down to the Caribbean. It's the ultimate adventure vacation. You can recruit a crew in lawless Tortuga, sneak into Port Royal for a night of pillaging, stave off all manner of magical curses, and if you're lucky, enjoy a rousing sword-fight on the cusp of a terrific maelstrom. Yo ho, indeed! —DF
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Feeling depressed? Confused? Trapped in an existence you don't understand? Friend, we've got the place for you. It's the best place on earth for the unhappy, attractive American. See the sights of Tokyo: the hotel bar! The hotel restaurant! Your hotel room! Best of all, you don't even have to learn the language: Just wear expensive clothes and find someone to mope with. It's like Back to the Future Part II, but with karaoke! —DF
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Cahulawassee River, Georgia
This could be your last chance to canoe on the pristine waters of the Cahulawassee River. So before the state of Georgia constructs a dam in the river's place, grab your paddles, banjos, and bows and arrows — you might need them — and battle the roaring rapids of the Cahulawassee! The adventure will be so
chilling thrilling, you'll be squealing like a pig. Yee-haw! —Kate Ward
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Farmer Ray Kinsella built it — so why don't you come on down to Dyersville, Iowa, where you can enjoy America's Greatest Pastime on Kinsella's full-size baseball field? If you loved Cooperstown, N.Y.'s Baseball Hall of Fame, you'll love our small town: Not only do we celebrate the greats, we also watch them play! Sit in the stands and devour a hot dog while watching ''Shoeless'' Joe Jackson at bat. (Just try not to choke while taking in the action.) Go ahead and buy some peanuts and crackerjacks — and if you don't ever want to come back, just take a walk into Dyersville's mysterious cornfields! —KW
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The Olympic Peninsula of Washington State
Come experience the natural beauty of the Washington state rain forests. With their rolling mountain ranges and lush vegetation, they're a great destination for bird-watching and deer sighting, though it is strongly advised that you travel in groups and don't straggle behind...or venture out after dark. Oh, and if you notice a young man with incandescent skin looking at you broodingly, just walk away and head to one of our gloriously refreshing mountain lakes. With a group. Remember that. —Abby West
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If there's anything more beautiful than our own Princess Buttercup, it's Florin itself, a country full of gorgeous sights and undeniable adventure. Come sail the high seas, where the Dread Pirate Roberts once swashbuckled his way to infamy! Come enjoy the view from above while climbing the Cliffs of Insanity! And come take fencing lessons, taught by our own expert swordsman Inigo Montoya! (Providing, of course, you don't have six fingers.) No need to fear injury: Miracle Max will be on hand to provide you with plenty of chocolate-covered pills, if you should so need them. Think you can find a better vacation anywhere else? Inconceivable! —KW
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The Overlook Hotel, Colorado
Has all work and no play turned you into a dull boy? Well, check into the snowy, all-inclusive Overlook Hotel, where the only dull things are the muted colors of Room 237! We offer the perfect escape (even if you can't really escape): snowmobiles, long hallways suited for riding your tricycle, and a large labyrinth perfect for kids on the run from their playing pals, or homicidal fathers. Er, forget about that last part. Did we mention that drinks at the hotel's full bar are also included? —KW
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Bodega Bay, Calif.
In need of a beautiful ocean view? Head down to Bodega Bay in sunny California, where you can boat along the Pacific coast in grace and style! Relax as you take in the fresh ocean breeze, and be sure to pack those binoculars: Bodega Bay boasts some of the best bird-watching on the West Coast. Since we here at Bodega Bay feel, however, that it's important to keep one's eyes in their sockets, please note that customs will check your bags for lovebirds upon arrival. —KW
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Notting Hill, London
Imagine: You're just a girl, standing in front of a quaint, affable London district. How can you not fall in love with it? Notting Hill offers several notable attractions: While visiting, walk down Portobello Road, browse its charming bookshops, and see the sights visited by famous Hollywood actress Anna Scott! And there's a bonus offer — book your stay within the next month, and receive a free subscription to Horse & Hound. —KW
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Malibu Sands, Calif.
Looking to escape the Los Angeles crowds when the heat is on? Make the short drive to Malibu Sands, your friendly summer home away from home. You can feel safe swimming in the ocean, as all beaches are under the close watch of our certified lifeguards from nearby Bayside High. Take part in the array of family-oriented activities, like our annual volleyball tournament, beauty pageant, and ATV race. Owned and operated by a lovely father-daughter team, the club frequently hosts birthday and anniversary parties (just make sure they're not double-booked). —Emily Exton
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This quaint Scottish village is the perfect locale for a winter getaway. It's accessible by train from Kings Cross Station and full of historic buildings and quirky shops. Book a room at the Hogs Head Inn and stop by Three Broomsticks for a meal (be sure to sample the butterbeer). The village is largely populated by students from nearby Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on the weekends, so watch out for any stray spells flying your way. And remember: Whatever you do, don't say the name Voldemort. —EE
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Summer getaways don't get much more exciting than this, especially for lovers of marine life. A dip in our waters* will get you closer than you ever imagined* to some of the greatest creatures in the sea*.
*For the purposes of this travel guide, be advised that the phrase ''dip in our waters'' may be understood to be referencing swimming, standing by the shore, standing on the dock, riding in boats, or generally near the water at all.
*For the purposes of this travel guide, be advised that the phrase ''closer than you ever imagined'' may be understood to be referencing death.
*For the purposes of this travel guide, be advised that the term ''marine life'' is meant to be defined as ''any and all animals of the sea, including but not limited to fish, coral, and giant freaking sharks.'' —Sandra Gonzalez
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Want to get the kids out of the house for the summer so they can get some sun, make some friends, and receive unflattering nicknames like Donkeylips and Sponge? Look no further than this humble little camp nestled deep in a sprawling forest of ridiculousness. Under the guidance of our camp head, Dr. Kahn, preteens and teens of all shapes, sizes, and intelligence levels will learn how to grow into well-rounded people with an unusually vast knowledge of ways to torture a camp counselor.
Notable camp alums: Venus DeMilo and uhmm...others. —SG
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Bon Temps, La.
Tired of New Orleans? Make your way to the humid cultural crossroads that is Bon Temps. With attractions like local watering hole Merlotte's and nearby nightspot Fangtasia, you'll feel right at home in this quaint Louisiana town. It's the perfect place to find a taste of something different (or to be tasted...). —SG
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Hop on your luckdragon and fly down to the magical land of Fantasia. Populated with every sort of creature you can imagine (watch out for the werewolves!), Fantasia is a land as big as your imagination. See the Swamps of Sadness! Brave the Sphinxes' gaze! Avoid the Nothing! For flights to Fantasia, consult your local travel agent and/or mysterious bookseller. —DF
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School is for suckers. Take a personal day, borrow a hot ride, and make your way to the Windy City. It's got museums, ball games, lavish restaurants, and even parades! When all else fails, pretend to be someone important (like Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago). A word of warning: Our garage attendants have not been certified. —DF
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If Las Vegas and Tijuana had an adulterous affair, the illegitimate child would look quite a bit like Tatooine. Ruled by mobsters and corrupt government officials, Tatooine is perfect for college students on spring break or experienced pilots with loose morals. The Imperial Tourist Board highly recommends carrying a blaster at all times. But don't be frightened: The music's great! And did we mention that this planet has not one, but two suns? —DF
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You watch his program, you buy his toys, you go to his movies...now check out Marty Moose's adventure theme park, Walley World! Rated ''America's Favorite Family Fun Park'' by a randomized sampling of Americans, Walley World offers fun for all ages, especially the kid inside all of us. (Warning: Closures may occur.) —DF
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City life got you down? Then come on up to the sleepiest little mountain town in Maryland. The locals are pleasant and full of fun folktales. The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. Take your friends for an extended camping trip. Why not film it all for posterity? And seriously, don't bother bringing a map. —DF
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Remote Tropical Island/Cradle of All That is Good
If you're looking for an island adventure, have we got the place for you. It's so isolated we can?t quite tell you how to get there, but once you do, you'll bask in the glorious sunshine, enjoy dodging the sporadic tropical showers, and get used to a slight shifting sensation. You can choose to bunk in one of the quaint little bungalows in a lovely secure little camp or go native by camping out on a beautiful sandy beach. Either way, you're sure to have the time of your life. And if you're lucky, you might experience a bit of a time shift that gives you brief peeks into the past. —AW
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This wealthy, stable African nation is home to some of the most beautiful women in the world and boasts abundant natural resources. Come enjoy the pageantry and spectacle that is our monarchy. Unlike other such nations, ostentatious displays of wealth are our thing. —AW
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Fancy a road trip? Start things off with the happy little folk of Hobbiton, and then head inland towards the mountains for a visit with the furrow-browed elves of Rivendell. Swing by the mines of Moria if you don't mind darkness and/or endless hordes of Orcs. From there, you can explore Rohan (if you like blond people) or Gondor (if you prefer brunettes). We don't recommend going much further — unless you like war-torn wastelands and imploding volcanoes. —DF
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Like the saying goes, it's better down where it's wetter. Leave your problems behind on land, and journey to the world under the sea. You'll thrill to the Atlantica orchestra (the newt plays the flute, and the carp plays the harp). Maybe a wise lobster will teach you important life lessons in musical form. But if you happen to meet any of King Triton's daughters, hands off! —DF
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Why go to Disneyland, Universal Studios, or Hollywood when you can visit the center of the dark universe? Here in Sunnydale, Calif., the magic, the creatures, and the excitement are all real. No illusions here, folks. Danger? We laugh in its face, thanks to protector of, well, everyone, Buffy. So don't let others scare you with talk of Hellmouth this and apocalypse that. Come see for yourself and enjoy your stay.
Editor's note: Shortly after the production of this travel guide, Sunnydale, Calif., was destroyed after an international terrorist organization turned it into a crater. We discourage groups from attempting to visit the crater. —SG
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Have you ever thought to yourself, ''Wow. I really wish I knew more about beets''? If yes, the answer to your unquenched thirst for beet knowledge is here at Schrute Farms. When you're not sitting in one of our charmingly decorated suites enjoying the sprawling landscape as a breeze blows in the scent of a freshly manured beet field, join us for activities like beet-wine making and table making. You'll love our quaint accommodations so much, you're likely to forget about all the unnecessary distractions in life, like TV, radio, and indoor plumbing. Who needs all that when you can get a personal bedtime story? At Schrute Farms, agritourism meets fun (but not too much). —SG
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Tucked away somewhere in the Pacific Northwest lies the ever-exciting and kid-friendly town of Eureka (knowledge of the exact location is restricted by the U.S. Department of Defense). Although permissible access is tough to obtain, once you're in, there is no shortage of attractions and sites to visit. Whether it's a tour of the famed Global Dynamics headquarters or merely mingling with Eureka's inhabitants, there are activities aplenty for visitors of all ages and interests. For the past 50 years Eureka has been viewed as the mecca of technological advancement, so bring the kids and ready yourself for a fun-filled and enriching learning experience. —Jacob Krushel
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Springfield, Midwest USA
Come visit Springfield, an area as historically and geographically diverse as any in the U.S.! Do you enjoy the outdoors? Forget the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone National Park — fly into Springfield International Airport and see everything you could possibly want! Visit the cavernous Springfield Gorge, Springfield National Forest, the volcanic Mount Springfield, the West Springfield desert (''three times the size of Texas!''), the Springfield Badlands, and Springfield Glacier, to name but a few of the many day trips available. Prefer to stay within the confines of the city? Not a problem! Springfield boasts an opera house, an arboretum, and a vibrant jazz scene, as well as such world-renowned sites as the Springfield Museum of Natural History and the Springsonian. What's that? Any professional sports? Funny you should ask — the city is home to the Springfield Isotopes, an AA minor-league baseball team, and the NBA's Springfield Excitement (formerly the Austin Celtics). With its rich history, personable inhabitants, and endless attractions, you cannot say you've been to the United States without a visit here. —JK