Families worried about the red-blue split at their Thanksgiving dinner table on Thursday have a friend in Stephen Colbert. The Late Show host used Wednesday night’s show to provide a divided nation with some ground rules to survive Thanksgiving.
“Some of us are happy with the outcome of the presidential election, while others are surviving on cupcakes and bourbon. After all this tension it would be great to take a break from talking politics, except that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, that time of year when families come together to be thankful our elections only happen once every four years. I love Thanksgiving, 75 percent of the time. But this is the 25 percent that’s going to suck,” Colbert said. “But can we get through this? I believe we can. As long as we remember blood is thicker than water, and blood doesn’t come out of the linen table clothes, so put the knife down.”
Colbert added, “So this year, you have a family duty to treat your political opinion just like grandma’s Jello mold. Choke it down, and keep it down until the guests leave.”
The host then offered eight tips to make things relatively politics-free, including turning the traditional touch football game into a tackle to the death, and cooking an extra turkey for everyone to stab.
“Remember, these are your relatives. Try not to see them as political opponents, but potential kidney donors,” Colbert joked, before closing out his survival guide with a dig at the election process.
“You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your relatives. Or evidently pick your President, thanks to the electoral college,” he joked.