In the wake of the vice presidential debate on Tuesday, Samantha Bee isn’t all that impressed with the nation’s options for the president’s No. 2.
“It was an epic showdown between [Donald] Trump’s conservative beard, Mike Pence, a man who tried as hard as he could to turn Indiana into a Handmaid’s Tale-themed theme park, and Hillary Clinton’s Care Bear, Tim Kaine, who, I dunno, looks like he has his own line of frozen breakfast sausages,” Bee said on Wednesday’s Full Frontal. “Remind me: Why is Sen. not-Elizabeth Warren on the ticket?”
After playing a clip of Kaine explaining that Clinton said she chose him as her running mate because of his resume and experience at all levels of government, Bee was quick to present her own theory on how things went down. “Oh no she did not,” Bee said of Clinton. “She said, ‘You’re from a swing state. Get your bilingual ass over here.'”
According to Bee, Kaine’s main problem in the debate was his eagerness to interrupt Pence. “America’s assistant youth pastor could have won the debate without saying a word,” said Bee. “Sadly, Kaine let the bright lights of the big boy stage get the best of him, and spent the evening barking like an overeager puppy who had been given one too many treats for his speak trick.”
And Bee’s take on Pence isn’t much better. “Pence showed himself to be an able running mate, in the sense of running away from everything Trump has ever said,” she explained, showing clips of Pence denying that Trump ever made many of his most controversial statements. “Pence lied all night, but he did it in such a soothing FM radio voice. He never lost his cool, which is weird, because no one has ever accused homophobic Race Bannon [from Jonny Quest] of being cool. Of course, caring about the vice president’s calm temperament when an erratic quasar is at the top of the ticket is kind of like asking a car salesman about the airbags on a car that is currently on fire.”
Watch Bee grade Kaine and Pence in the video below.