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White House Correspondents' Dinner: President Obama jokes about Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton

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Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images

True to tradition, the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday was a who’s who of both Hollywood and Washington, D.C. This year’s star-studded event — President Barack Obama’s last in office — marked the end of an era, as host Larry Wilmore gave the outgoing commander-in-chief a memorable sendoff with jokes about his greying hair. And with the race for the next president in full swing, the Democratic and Republican candidates were also roasted. Obama himself riffed on Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Ted Cruz. But the real kicker was when he took on Donald Trump. Read on for some of Obama and Wilmore’s biggest zingers from C-SPAN’s broadcast.

Obama:

1. “You all look great. The end of the republic has never looked better.”

2. “I am excited. If this material works well, I’m gonna use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans.”

3. “My brilliant and beautiful wife Michelle is here tonight. She looks so happy to be here. It’s called practice. It’s like learning to do three-minute planks. She makes it look easy, but next year at this time, someone else will be in this very spot. And it’s anyone’s guess who she will be.”

4. “Eight years ago, I said it was time to change the tone of our politics. In hindsight, I clearly should have been more specific.”

5. “Eight years ago, I was a young man full of idealism, and vigor. And look at me now: I am grey, grizzled, just counting down the days until my death panel.”

6. “Hillary once questioned if I’d be ready for a 3 a.m. phone call. Now I’m awake anyway because I’ve gotta go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Michelle has not aged a day. The only way you can date her in photos is by looking at me.”

7. “I think we’ve got Republican senators Tim Scott and Cory Gardner. They’re in the house. Which reminds me: Security, bar the doors. Judge Merrick Garland? Come on out! We’re gonna do this right here, right now! It’s like The Red Wedding [on Game of Thrones].”

8. “Even some foreign leaders have been looking ahead, anticipating my departure. Last week, Prince George showed up to our meeting in his bathrobe. That was a slap in the face. A clear breach of protocol.”

9. “While in England, I did have lunch with the Queen, took in a performance of Shakespeare, hit the links with David Cameron. Just in case anybody is still debating whether I’m black enough, I think that settles the debate.”

10. “Yet somehow, despite all this, in the churn of it all, my final year, my approval ratings keep going on up. The last time I was this high, I was trying to decide on my major.”

11. “I love Joe Biden. And I want to thank him for his friendship, for his counsel. For always giving it to me straight. For not shooting anybody in the face. Thank you, Joe.”

12. “Kendall Jenner is also here. We had a chance to meet her backstage. I’m not sure exactly what she does, but I’m told that my Twitter mentions are about to go through the roof.”

13. “I’m a little hurt that [Donald Trump isn’t] here tonight. We had so much fun the last time. And it is surprising. You’ve got a room full of reporters, cameras, celebrities. And he says no. Is this dinner too tacky for the Donald? What could he possibly be doing instead? Is he at home? Eating a Trump Steak? Tweeting out insults to Angela Merkel? What is he doing?”

14. “Bernie, you look like a million bucks. Or to put it in terms you’ll understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each.”

15. “Then there’s Ted Cruz. Ted had a tough week. He went to Indiana, Hoosier country, and called the basketball hoop a basketball ring. What else is in his lexicon? Baseball sticks? Football hats? Sure, I’m the foreign one.”

16. “You’ve got to admit it though, Hillary trying to appeal to young voters is a little bit like your relative that just signed up for Facebook. ‘Dear America, did you get my poke? Is it appearing on your wall? I’m not sure I’m using this right. Love, Aunt Hillary.’”

 

Wilmore:

1. “Hillary Clinton was flustered when a Black Lives Matter protestor challenged her. I haven’t seen a white lady that upset over being blindsided by a black person since Kelly Ripa.”

2. “Morning Joe has their head so far up Donald Trump’s ass, they bumped into Chris Christie.”

3. “It’s nice to be here at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where as you know they will it call it next year, Donald Trump Hosts a Luxurious Dinner Presented by Mexico. We are very scared by that.”

4. “[President Obama’s] hair is so white it tried to punch me at a Trump rally. His hair is so white it keeps saying, ‘All lives matter.’ You came in looking like Denzel Washington. You are going out looking like Grady from Sanford and Son.”

5. “Will Smith is here from the upcoming movie Suicide Squad, not to be confused with the new Jeb Bush documentary Suicide Watch.”

6. “Guys, I am not surprised Donald Trump is happening to America because I watch movies. And every time there’s a black president something always comes to destroy the earth. Always. It’s true.”

7. “Ted Cruz has vowed to stay in the race. Man, everybody hates Ted Cruz. Even O.J. Simpson said, ‘That guy is just hard to like.'”

8. “[Michelle Obama is] the epitome of grace, class, and poise. Isn’t she? Not to be confused with future first gentleman Bill Clinton, whose three favorite strippers are named Grace, Class, and Poise.”

9. “Donald Trump said that if Hillary Clinton was a man, she wouldn’t get five percent of the vote. Alright, first of all, if Hillary Clinton was a man, her biggest problem would be finding a bathroom to use in North Carolina.”

10. “Donald Trump is going to try to be more presidential. He says that now when he talks about his genitalia during a debate, he’ll refer to it as President Johnson.”

11. “I don’t know when we’re getting a black president again. I mean, they’re not even going to let Morgan Freeman play the president in movies for a while.”

12. “I think Fox [News] secretly likes Beyoncé, though. They just renamed The Kelly FileBecky with the Good Hair.”

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