After back-to-back hostage scenarios of sorts to end 2015 and begin 2016, Brooklyn Nine-Nine found another way to have fun with a captive situation for the third consecutive week. Tuesday’s “9 Days” — which was the length of time that Jake and Holt needed to be quarantined (by Dr. Badnews Doctor, a.k.a. Oscar Nunez) after contracting the mumps — didn’t rack up as many zingers as the previous outings, but the exceptionally broad episode earned its laughs via absurd visual gaggery. That would include almost every moment that Jake and Holt were mumping out — all swollen and disfigured from their illness, acting like delusional, juvenile idiots while hopped up on a cocktail of medications. Andy Samberg going full-on fool is expected, if not demanded, every week; it gets interesting when Andre Braugher matches him, goofy blow for goofy blow.
While Jake tried to make a Kevin-less Holt less lonely by tricking him into working a cold case involving a mafia lieutenant, the miracle of movement that is Gina played the role of Terry Whisperer when he fretted that he couldn’t get two dozens tasks done while filling in for Holt. That story’s most jarringly hilarious moment came when the miracle of muscles that is Terry truly lost it and slammed the door in exasperation so hard, the windows shattered and the rest of the room collapsed in a sparkly, frightened heap. And for those who needed something to offset all the unsightly goiters and workplace rage, “9 Days” also included a story line that began with Rosa coldly not understanding why Charles was so deeply mourning his dead humping dog and ended with her throwing him a proper funeral — and being cuddled herself by an eager wide-eyed puppy. (As in Arlo, not Charles.)
All right, food stain buds, let’s don some ineffective biohazard suits, cause some structural damage and recap the nine best lines from “9 Days”…. right after we take a four-hour nap.
9. “Not by a long shot. Balthazar is a thirsty bitch.” —Holt to Jake about the goiter on his face after Jake asks, “Did we take too much cold medicine?”
8. “You wouldn’t understand this because you have a motorcycle helmet for a heart, but I need to feel this sadness, so the only thing I am moving on from is you.” —Charles to Rosa after she tells him to get over the death of his dog
7. “Ah, you don’t have to thank me — all I did was be the only person who believes in you.” —Gina to Terry
6. “I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn’t that hard.” —Terry to Gina after she says to him that he got Hitchcock and Scully to end their hunger strike
5. “Is that not how you spell it? Again, I have a mouth-, neck-, and testicle-melting fever.” —Jake to Amy after she laments that Holt has been delusionally writing the word “case” over and over, and is now spelling it with a “K”
4. “Do you want to know why the amazing Captain Holt has never gotten the evidence room cleaned or done anything on your list? Because all day long he’s putting out fires. That’s what a captain does. The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.” – Gina to Terry
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3. “It’s like my dad used to say: Real men don’t cry…. for more than three days.” —Charles to Rosa
2. “You’re right — it’s not.” —Rosa to Amy after she brags about her bar trivia team Trivia Newton John, saying, “We’re nationally ranked. It’s no big deal.”
1. “C-. The perfect grade. You pass, but you’re still hot.” —Gina to Terry after he says he’s having trouble getting higher than 70 percent on the practice lieutenant’s exam