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The Bachelor weekly chat: #ew-bachelor

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Rick Rowell/ABC

A group of Entertainment Weekly editors and writers watched The Bachelor on Monday night, and then broke down every wild, chicken-enthusiast, rose-hat-wearing crazy moment of the premiere episode on Slack in our #ew-bachelor channel. Read ahead for The Most Dramatic Slack Chat Ever™ (and check out the episode’s full recap right here).

RELATED: Ranking Every Season of The Bachelor

henrygoldblatt (Henry Goldblatt, Editor) [10:02 PM] 

We’ll get to Ben in a moment, but let’s start with the ladies. Is this the craziest group we’ve ever seen? And which crazy stood out most amongst the crazies?

crackliffe (Chris Rackliffe, Director of Audience Engagement for EW and PEOPLE) [10:04 PM] 

My head is spinning from all that crazy.

henrygoldblatt [10:05 PM] 

I nominate the producer who came up with the phrase “chicken enthusiast” for a Pulitzer Prize. That’s some brilliant work.

amandasteiner (Amanda Michelle Steiner, Staff Editor) [10:05 PM] 

My favorite was Shushanna for not speaking any English. She’s a Russian Little Mermaid and Ben is the Prince Eric we deserve.

crackliffe [10:06 PM] 

I just cannot with Lace. Is she the one who hit that girl in the face, which we saw in the promos?!

robynross (Robyn Ross, Senior Producer) [10:06 PM] 

I feel like the women were either bananas or boring. No in-between

crackliffe [10:07 PM] 

Who is crazier: Mandi or Lace?

henrygoldblatt [10:07 PM] 

Chris, be honest, though: We all have a friend like Lace. (I’m not asking you to name yours.)

robynross [10:07 PM] 

Mandi. Lace is totally playing up the Courtney Robertson angle

robynross [10:07 PM]

(I’m that friend, Henry)

cristinaeverett (Cristina Everett, Deputy Editor for EW.com) [10:08 PM] 

@amandasteiner I feel like Shushanna is just pulling an act to stand out. But with the girl on her left wearing a garden on her head and the one on her right with a unicorn mask, it’s going to be hard to stand out in this crowd.

robynross [10:08 PM] 

The most dramatic rose ceremony ever will be when Shush speaks English!

amandasteiner [10:08 PM] 

Either she’s really good at context clues or she wants to play that Little Mermaid card ’til the end.

cristinaeverett [10:09 PM] 

How have we not talked about the Instagram stalker? She’s straight-up code red, check please!

henrygoldblatt [10:09 PM] 

That’s my point, Cristina. I think this is actually the battiest group of contestants yet. So I felt really badly that my pick to “win” it all, Jessica, was eliminated immediately. She was a sweet gimmick-free accountant from Florida.

cristinaeverett [10:09 PM] 

I was trying to count how many introduced themselves with a pun or prop and lost count.

henrygoldblatt [10:09 PM] 

I took a poll on Twitter tonight and “will you pollinate my hate” polled slightly crazier than “I stalked you on Insta.”

crackliffe [10:10 PM] 

“Pollinate” is up there with “moist” for me in terms of words that creep me out.

henrygoldblatt [10:10 PM] 

That hat was definitely NOT “moist”

robynross [10:11 PM] 

Yea or nay on “I hope you’re the onesie” and “Boxers or Legal briefs”

amandasteiner [10:11 PM] 

Me and onesie girl are one and the same. I hope she wins it all.

henrygoldblatt [10:11 PM] 

I’m pretty sure she stole that “boxers or legal briefs” line from Ally McBeal.

henrygoldblatt [10:13 PM] 

It’s a testament to all the crazy that we haven’t even gotten to the twins yet! Ashley and Ashleigh? I can’t remember.

amandasteiner [10:13 PM] 

Are those their names? I’d believe those are their names.

cristinaeverett [10:13 PM] 

Does it even matter ha

robynross [10:14 PM] 

Who remembers the twins from Bachelor Pad? (Spoiler alert: No one!)

amandasteiner [10:14 PM] 

Are they both named Lauren?

cristinaeverett [10:14 PM] 

Everyone is named Lauren!

cristinaeverett [10:14 PM]

If Ben ever forgets someone’s name, his chances of just saying Lauren and being correct are high.

amandasteiner [10:15 PM] 

Ashley used to be everyone’s name on The Bachelor. Maybe the franchise has aged out of Ashleys, like how you never meet a 26-year-old named Nancy.

robynross [10:16 PM] 

Lauren is definitely the new Ashley

henrygoldblatt [10:15 PM] 

Let’s call them Lauren 1 and Lauren 2 for the sake of expediency. Do you think their parents dressed them the same and put them in all the same classes? Freud would have a field day with this one.

crackliffe [10:15 PM] 

Bringing your twin on The Bachelor with you is like taking your dad to the prom.

cristinaeverett [10:15 PM] 

They for sure swapped dates in high school — just for fun.

crackliffe [10:16 PM] 

Is it bad I hope the twins end up betraying each other? Too Shakespearean?!

amandasteiner [10:17 PM] 

They will definitely betray each other

robynross [10:17 PM] 

The twins better get the two-on-one, amirite?

henrygoldblatt [10:17 PM] 

Moving on, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go to the dentist again and feel safe. Mandi set her field back a good half century.

cristinaeverett [10:18 PM] 

I take back what I said about the Insta stalker — THE SCARY DENTIST is the craziest!

amandasteiner [10:18 PM] 

I can’t believe Ben gave her a rose after he was subjected to battlefield dentistry

robynross [10:18 PM] 

Maybe Mandi will be the girl with the weird intro who turns out to be cool? #Onecanhope

cristinaeverett [10:19 PM] 

Also, kudos to Ben for having good teeth. If that were me, I totally would have snuck a taquito or two in between chats.

henrygoldblatt [10:19 PM] 

Do you think Mandi actually scraped plaque off of his teeth? Because that can be effin painful.

robynross [10:19 PM] 

Ben is so nice he let her give him a root canal to get close

cristinaeverett [10:19 PM] 

If she did, she’s probably putting it up on eBay now.

henrygoldblatt [10:20 PM] 

And someone is going to use that plaque to try to clone Ben and have his babies.

henrygoldblatt [10:20 PM]

And now we’ve officially turned The Bachelor into a sci-fi movie!

henrygoldblatt [10:22 PM] 

So before we wrap up, I want to get your thoughts on Ben. How are you feeling about him? I think he needs to amp up the charisma a bit, or otherwise I’m afraid we’re dealing with another Sean Lowe season.

robynross [10:22 PM] 

I think he has potential. I mean, that shirtless shot in the promo? Yes, please.

amandasteiner [10:23 PM] 

I think he’s a sweet donut. An inoffensive pudding pop. Chris Soules was much the same, but he was also super boring and couldn’t articulate a thought from beginning to end. I’m Team Ben. For now. Can’t wait for him to disappoint me like all the rest!!! Watching you, Ben.

cristinaeverett [10:23 PM] 

This is my personal preference but I’m totally into Ben. But you’re right, Henry — he’s definitely going down the Sean Lowe route and playing it very safe. Doesn’t help that he looks like a spitting image of Peter Brady either.

crackliffe [10:24 PM] 

After the first episode, I’m worried that Ben’s perception of character may be a bit flawed. I hope he can get past the trivial drama of the girls and learn to let go a little more. I’m excited about his potential, though!

henrygoldblatt [10:25 PM] 

Chris, by “let go”, do you mean take off his shirt a lot?

crackliffe [10:25 PM] 

Yes, of course — he needs to let it ALL go!

cristinaeverett [10:27 PM] 

Oh wait — I just remembered who the CRAZIEST one is! The girl with the bread basket. You’re going to bring me some delicious french bread and then begin to smash it on the driveway? DEAL BREAKER.

amandasteiner [10:28 PM]

Imagine feeling so passionately about bread — and being OPPOSED.

henrygoldblatt [10:29 PM] 

Yes, gluten is the real villain this season, Cristina!

henrygoldblatt [10:30 PM] 

Well, that will do it for our first-ever Most Dramatic Slack Chat ever. Not to get all sappy, but it really restores my faith in humanity when we all hate-watch The Bachelor together. We’ll be back next week with more. In the meantime, catch our Bachelor after-show with EW’s Robyn Ross and PEOPLE’s Andrea Lavinthal streaming on EW.com (above) and our sister site, PEOPLE.com. Read EW’s full recap here

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