Katy Perry has made a career out of outrageous music videos featuring the entire Pantone color spectrum, but this holiday season, her gift to you is… the exact same thing, only Christmas-themed.
Perry just released “Every Day is a Holiday,” a new holiday music video which finds her playing the merry roles of sugar plum fairy, nutcracker bandleader, and Christmas Cabaret emcee. It’s all for a new H&M campaign and will no doubt be playing on loop in stores this Black Friday.
By then, you’ll be plenty familiar with the song, as well as its cadre of festive misfits who are almost definitely a ploy to re-create the success of Left Shark, that scene-stealing furry who stole the show during Perry’s Super Bowl performance earlier this year. Claus knows that Left Shark’s 15 minutes of fame were up quicker than Ariana Grande can lick a donut, but the maritime absence has now left the door wide open for another character from Perry’s roster to grab the spotlight just in time for holiday memes.
Unfortunately, “Every Day is a Holiday” doesn’t show any guilt for trying to hit you over the head with this possibility, offering over a dozen disquieting options to try and get the Internet playing its replacement game. Will any spark the same obsession as Left Shark? No. But here’s what you have to choose from:
Arguably the most direct hits at the legacy and integrity of Left Shark are two bears, Happy and Merry, who don matching sweaters affirming their relationship status as boyfriend twins. (If you had to put money on one bear stepping out, though, the answer is obviously Happy.)
These hellish candy cane clown nightmares, ripped straight out of Whoville by way of Stephen King. Not pictured: The fact that THEY’RE ON STILTS.
This girl in a snowflake costume who whispered Adele’s sales numbers to Katy:
This roller-skating tree negligee who trained for three years at Yule Drama for this:
These gingerbread men salvaged from knock-off Times Square costumes who, because of copyright issues, are legally obligated to identify themselves as “Spice Cookie Gentlemen”:
These delightful child acrobats who have definitely all played Annie in various community productions:
This scruffy reindeer who has already changed his Tinder picture to this:
This smoldering reindeer who tried to sneak out of the shot but whose fiery gaze pulled him back in to add much-needed sex appeal to the virginal winterscape:
This miserable polar bear who was harmed during the making of this video but only emotionally:
This big gift who danced her way into the shot to make her presents known:
This hot guy doing that classic Christmas thing we all do, where we try on H&M’s winter collection and play with strange kittens while sitting on a convertible being pushed by reindeer men:
These sassy Marie Antoinette sleigh girls who resent having to carry the aforementioned hot guy and arguably the patriarchy at large:
This poised nutcracker whose flawless flexibility deserves to be part of the next emoji update:
These stoic soldiers cosplaying as Mr. Robot:
Kirsten Dunst’s cameo as a gold ornament:
This reindeer driving a stereo around for some reason:
This shot of Merry who, having suffered heartbreak after catching Happy decking the halls of one of the toy soldiers, will be experiencing another Christmas season alone. Happy holidays.