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'Brooklyn Nine-Nine': The nine best lines from 'The Oolong Slayer'

Posted on

John P. Fleenor/Fox

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
run date:
Andy Samberg, Andre Braugher
Comedy, Crime

Bosses are the worst. And the worst can bring out the best in you. This week on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, we saw this in action — not to mention, Jake and Holt in action — as the Vulture continued his reign of dictatorial douchebaggery.

After he issued a demoralizing edict that the detectives should only tackle easy cases like misdemeanors so he could boost his numbers, Jake took it upon himself to go rogue and pursue a hunch about the resurfacing of the Oolong Slayer, that weirdo psycho who tea-bags his victims (literally, not in a sexual way) and sets up creepy dollscapes at the murder scenes. And although Wuntch continued to neuter Capt. Holt (figuratively, not in a sexual way) by loading him up with meaningless drivel, Holt took it upon himself to defy her orders, ditch his PR duties and do some real police work again with Jake. Soon enough, their bosses found out about their off-book investigation and told them to stop — suspended them, even — but Jake and the captain continued to try to catch a most dangerous predator. It felt good and adrenalizing to see Holt partner up again with the underling who causes him the most colorful headaches to take down the tea-topped killer and reclaim his power, especially on a more-serious-than-usual case. (The only thing missing was a Holt-is-refined/Jake-is-a-Neanderthal gag in which Holt explains why he prefers rooibos over chamomile while Jake weighs in with a Lipton-versus-Crystal Light analogy.) 

Over in B-plot land, Terry, who has been stressed out about his soon-to-be-expanding family, discovered the sweet joy of Charles’ cacao nibs and wound up expanding his own waistline (nice prosthetic makeup, BTW). Meanwhile, the Vulture misogynistically tasked Amy and Rosa with throwing him a party. (Was having the Vulture perform at his own event really a stroke of “evil genius,” though? Not really. And he deserved a much worse fate on his way out. But Amy will take a win where she is given one.)

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In the end, the Vulture’s rule of terror ended as abruptly as it began, as Jake cut a deal with the chief of detectives, which allowed the big boss to take credit for taking down the Oolong Slayer in exchange for putting Holt back where he belongs: in charge of the Nine-Nine. It happened a little sooner than expected — and a little too neatly as well. But there is no argument that Holt is back where we want him, trying to save Jake and Co. from themselves. So let us say: Justice has been served, order has been restored, and laughs have been had. Which means it’s time to pop a nib, marvel at the acoustics in here, heart some intrigue, raise a glass to Rihanna, and revisit the best lines from “The Oolong Slayer.”

NEXT: “You know what? Screw this” [pagebreak]

9. “Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?” —Holt to Gina when Wuntch enters and insults him

8. “I know. I think this is where Batman’s parents got killed.” —Jake to Gina after she compliments the run-down alley that they are standing in 

7. “Maybe this will help: He just said his favorite color is underboob.” —Rosa to Amy after she explains that she friended the Vulture on Facebook because he wouldn’t tell her anything about what he likes

6. “One, re-examine all the task force’s files. Two, check all B&E’s against the Slayer’s m.o. And three, think of something super cool to say when we arrest him. My leading contender: You’re going to jail for oolong time.” —Jake to Holt when Holt asks him to detail their strategy to catch the Oolong Slayer  

5. “You only get one shot at your brother’s widow.” —The Vulture to Rosa and Amy, about his dead brother’s hot wife, who would be at his birthday party

4. “Wait a minute, sir. You know what? Screw this. [leaves for a second to march back into Wuntch’s office, then quickly returns] It’s 10 days now. Shouldn’t have gone back in.” —Jake to Holt after he tried to protest his seven-day suspension

3. “That’s what globes are for!” —Jake to Holt after he reveals a hidden stash of wine inside a globe

2. “What??? I like it. ‘Task force’ sounds like some sort of body spray for hot dudes.” —Gina on Wuntch’s plan to change the name “task force” because the research suggests it’s too “aggressive”

1. “You look like eight circles with suspenders on.” —Charles to Terry after he asks Charles, “Do I look like a man who snacks?”(Terry-themed runner-up from Jake: “Why do you follow people’s directions when you could literally pick them up and throw them out the window?”)