We are gathered here today to pay our respects and last tributes to a dearly loved and deeply admired commanding officer who ruled with a firm but gentle han — oh, who are we kidding? Dude was an abrasive weirdo and terrifying taskmaster who was hated by the Nine-Nine.
The second episode of the season, “The Funeral” — which, not surprisingly, largely took place at a funeral — spent little time mourning Capt. Seth Dozerman (guest star Bill Hader), whose efficiency-obsessed reign lasted about half an episode before he succumbed to that genetic heart defect. Instead, we watched Jake and Amy constantly be foiled in their scheme to take down the Vulture, the dreaded, credit-grabbing enemy who was named the new new captain and quickly demanded that they end their budding relationship. Our old old captain and new NYPD PR chief Raymond Holt spiraled into rudderless, existential misery after the Vulture disrespected him in his old house and bluntly told him that his managerial acumen was no longer needed. Meanwhile, Charles, the unplayboy, showed zero respect for the dead by hyping his hotel hookup with Lt. Singh (guest star Archie Panjabi) before he (predictably) learned that he needed more than empty sex to feel satisfied.
There were more moments of laughter than silence, so we kindly request that you pour a shot of tequila, throw on some Robin Thicke and a puka shell necklace, and revisit the best lines of the episode. Oh, and remember: Never. Love. Anything.
9. “One thing I won’t do is fart in church. This is God’s house.” —The Vulture to Jake, outside the funeral
8. ” I’m going to bro down with him. If everything goes according to plan, we should be beer pong doubles partners by the end of the week. Now somebody give me a puka shell necklace. I’m going full douche.” —Jake on his plan to befriend the Vulture
7. “Well, never wearing these again.” —Diaz, throwing out her sunglasses after Charles checks to see if he has anything caught in his teeth
6. “Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. [staring at glass] Oh, it’s a Sauternes glass.” —Captain Holt in response to Terry, who said that Holt always stops to sniff the bouquet
5. “Once again Scully’s butt is the downfall of this precinct.” —Jake, upon learning that Scully accidentally butt-dialed the Vulture, allowing him to hear about Jake and Amy’s plot
4. “He heard that I speak Spanish and made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.” —Amy, on how bad the Vulture is as the new Nine-Nine captain
3. “Well, if I’m so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom?”—Jake to Amy when she says she’s horrified by his eating habits
2. “I should never have returned. It’s like visiting your childhood home and seeing it’s been replaced by a denim pants store.” —Capt. Holt after his demoralizing visit to the Nine-Nine precinct
1. “Yeah, because you can connect with them emotionally, something that we did not do. Because I’m a higher level of being. Like Her from the movie Her.” —Gina to Charles about his connection with Vivian and his ex-wife versus with her