Syfy knows what the people want: more sharks in more tornadoes. The third installment of the ridiculous series, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! premiered Wednesday night. And it may be the best yet (or so says our very unofficial poll).
The number of sharks was countless, the number of celebrity cameos was endless, and April (Tara Reid) and Fin (Ian Ziering) returned with old and new teammates to take down sharks on land, in the sky, and beyond (yes, really). There were approximately 1 million amazing moments in Sharknado 3 — it started with an opening scene and title sequence that portrayed Fin as James Bond, and to be honest that was probably the least action-packed, entertaining moment of the night — but here we’ve highlighted our favorites. (If you want to read the blow-by-blow, be sure to check out our live blog.)
So suspend your disbelief because there’s no place for it in the world of sharknados, which includes Mark Cuban and Ann Coulter as the leaders of the USA. There is no method of shark killing too gruesome, no twist too nonsensical, and no frontier too undiscovered for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! We come for the tornadoes of sharks and leave with oh, so much more.
Spoilers and one very disturbing image to follow…
1. Ne-Yo gets the first celebrity cameo, as a secret service agent. It’s his best acting role to date. (Sorry, Stomp The Yard.)
2. Fin receives a golden chainsaw, thereby becoming the very first member of the “Order of the Golden Chainsaw.” It very obviously comes in handy rather quickly.
3. Lou Ferrigno, VP Coulter’s guard, at one point says, “Don’t make me angry.” He is then promptly eaten by a shark who could not care less that he was The Hulk.
4. POTUS Cuban utters this perfect line: “People used to call me a shark.” It’s almost as if he had that stipulated in his contract.
5. Then POTUS Cuban and Fin have an epic shark fight in the White House, which includes a scene in which a cleaning lady accidentally vacuums up the tail of a shark and uses said vacuum to hurl the shark against the wall and kill it. Fin and POTUS Cuban survive, but pretty much none of the secret service agents are as lucky.
6. During said White House attack, Ann Coulter and Fin’s brother-in-law Brody (Mark McGrath) escape by surfing down stairs using presidential paintings.
7. After defeating the first sharknado of the film, this happens:
8. Kim Richards from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Chris Kirkpatrick from *NSYNC work at Universal Studios.
9. In a surprise cameo, George R.R. Martin gets eaten while watching the film Shark Wedding, which features a three-headed shark. (And, yes Game of Thrones fans, there were references to the book series in the appearance. Bonus points if you can spot them all!)
10. The Today show anchors cameo on Sharknado 3, but the real scene-stealers are Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb, who smash wine bottles to attack the sharks, but then almost immediately get eaten. Appropriate weapon choice though.
11. Despite bravery and shark weather-related intelligence, Frankie Muniz’s character loses his limbs one by one, and then blows up his RV with his chin.
12. Nova (Cassie Scerbo) makes a triumphant return after sitting out the New York City sharknado in The Second One. She and Fin fly their way to Florida but crash land in the water, where they somehow lose all their clothes… except for their sexy undergarments.
13. A shark rides a roller coaster at Universal Studios.
14. April wasn’t able to get her hand re-attached after Sharknado 2. Instead she has a robot arm, which she covers with a black leather glove and a giant engagement ring. And whenever necessary, it deploys a chainsaw for maximum shark gutting. Oh, and no big deal, but she’s supposed to be about nine months pregnant.
15. Nova has a mascara shotgun. That’s — a mascara. shotgun. (Hey Benefit Cosmetics!)
16. Fin and his father, Gilbert (played by the one and only David Hasselhoff), use a spaceship to try to destroy the sharknado “wall” (named by Al Roker) that’s taking over the entire Eastern Seaboard.
17. NASA employs both Ray J and Anthony Weiner.
18. Sharks. In. Space.
19. Fin fights off sharks in space with a laser chainsaw that looks way too similar to a lightsaber. (Did LucasFilm Ltd. give their permission?)
20. April — who accidentally ended up on the spaceship as well — gets swallowed by one of the sharks in space. Fin races behind to save her, where he also gets swallowed by a shark. And just as a heads up, neither of them have air tanks… and April is pregnant this whole time.
21. April’s baby is apparently born INSIDE THE SHARK that swallowed her whole and burned up as it crashed to earth from space.
22. April uses her hand chainsaw to cut through the belly of the beast to push out her son. Warning: this tiny baby getting pushed out of the shark’s belly is an image that can never be erased from our brains.
23. April and Fin name their son after his grandfather: Gil.
24. From the beach where they crash land from space, Fin salutes his father who is revealed to be still in space, just chilling on the moon. He’s The Hoff, so basically he can do whatever he wants.
25. In the last moments of the film, a piece of debris comes hurtling toward the beach right where April is standing. Does she live? You decide. No seriously, you decide. Syfy is letting the viewers decide if April lives or dies in the upcoming fourth installment of Sharknado. America, let this bloody family stay together. They’ve been through enough.