When news broke Monday that MGM had snapped up the movie rights to Wednesday Martin’s just-released memoir, Primates of Park Avenue, we immediately started shuffling through our mental IMDb pages for actresses to play the wealthy Manhattan mothers Martin studies in the book. Here’s our dream roster, and let us know your picks in the comments!
Taylor Schilling as Wednesday Martin
She plays an extremely adaptable character on Orange is the New Black—from Smith grad to drug mule to aspiring prisoner housewife to prisoner—so we bet Schilling could handle the leap from academia to Upper East Side motherhood just fine.
Alternate: Joanne Froggatt—the Downton Abbey star is an Emmy-nominated actress, but more important? She and Martin could be sisters.
Malin Akerman as Candace
Having grown up in California, Martin’s dry-witted pal can look down on the absurdity of the Upper East Side with amusement (while taking part in it, of course). Trophy Wife’s Malin Akerman has the perfect blend of uptown glamour, West Coast cool, and comedy chops to make this work.
Alternate: Jennifer Anison—She’s the Hollywood A-lister who doubles as America’s best friend. And as Friends, Horrible Bosses, We’re The Millers and more have proven, Aniston’s comedy chops are second to none.
Sienna Miller as Lily
Martin’s close friend is not only a fashion designer, but also “the calmest mother and the most gracious hostess I knew.” Miller, a fashion industry darling (and designer herself) who’s played downtown postergirl Edie Sedgwick, has earthy, bohemian serenity in spades.
Alternate: Diane Kruger—she wears Chanel with the ease the rest of us reserve for old college T-shirts, and we can’t see her throwing a party with anything but grace.
Tony Goldwyn as The Husband
Bringing home bacon and Birkins, Scandal’s Goldwyn could play Martin’s slightly older, NYC-born husband—he can be both dotingly affectionate and occasionally aloof with ease.
Alternate: Patrick Dempsey—Think a combination of McDreamy and his wealthy character from Sweet Home Alabama. Plus, we hear he’s out of a job.
Rosamund Pike as The Queen of the Queen Bees
After her chilling turn as Gone Girl’s Amy Dunne, we’re sure Pike could give the snide, sneering mean mommy a vicious edge.
Alternate: Gwyneth Paltrow—Can any star match Paltrow’s perceived perfection? She has a wood-burning pizza oven in her garden, remember.