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Jimmy Kimmel's best jokes from the ABC upfronts

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Randy Holmes/ABC via Getty Images

Jimmy Kimmel kept with tradition Tuesday by doing a standup routine at the ABC Upfront that, as expected, included lots of jokes at the expense of the competition – and ABC. Maybe that’s why ABC topper Paul Lee introduced him by saying, “Now its time for Jimmy Kimmel to undo everything I’ve just done.”

Here are the best jokes from the late-night host’s routine:

“Before we get going, I just want  (say) a grown man with a degree from Oxford University stood on this stage and told you he’s excited about The Muppets … The reason Paul is still here is because he got whiplash on Space Mountain and the lawyers figured it was cheaper this way.”

“I talked to Bob Iger. Since we have The Avengers and Star Wars this year, we don’t need money from you guys.”

“Yesterday NBC told you they’re the No. 1 network. Now here we are also saying we’re the No. 1 network, which means one of us is lying. And I’m hear to tell you that it’s us. It’s like T-ball. Everyone wins!”

“We’ve had some pretty big hits this year How to Get Away with Murder, Fresh Off the Boat, and Blackish. We’re doing well now that we started to acknowledge that minorities exist.”

“We are truly the most diverse network, except The Bachelor. We’re going to keep that one white.”

“We’re so diverse that when CBS drives by us, they lock their car doors.”

“Fox made a comedy about the apocalypse where only the white people survived.”

“Paul said ABC’s success is only partially due to Shonda [Rhimes], which is like saying the success of ‘Thriller’ is only partly due to Michael Jackson. Without Shonda, Paul you’d be back at Hogwarts with the other Muggles.”

“We’ll have two bachelors, two women and 25 guys, just like The Avengers. But the real winner, as always, will be feminism.”

“We need more Bruce Jenners at this network. That interview was an enormous hit. 17 million tuned in. Starting this fall, somebody on ABC will change genders every week.”

“ABC News had its first place, thanks to anchor Brian Williams. Brian was suspended for six months for basically doing the same thing that we are doing to you right now.”

“Poor Fox, they’re in last place. But they do have Empire. Did they mention that at their presentation? It is one of the few network success stories—fun characters, wild plot twists and a white audience desperately trying to look cool in front of their black friends.”

[American] Idol. They gave it a shot. I thought it would be something around forever, like herpes.”

CSI, this will be the farewell season. In the last episode they’ll try to solve the greatest mystery of them all, which is who has been watching CSI for the last 15 years.”

“I feel confident we’ll beat NBC. They’re bringing back Coach. It was the sixth most popular show of 1993. At night when I lie awake at night staring at my ceiling wondering what coach has been doing all these years, I’ll finally get closure.”

“I was actually handed a note to read to (NBC Topper) Bob Greenblatt. Please indulge me on that. ‘Dear Bob: we’re glad that Dolly Parton will always love you, because after what you made us sit through yesterday, no one ever will. Signed, everyone.'”

“Wow, Dolly Parton (at NBC). They’re making a strong play for that urban demographic, aren’t they?”

The Wiz. This will be NBC’s third live televised musical catastrophe. This time they’re teaming up with Cirque du Soleil. It’s all part of NBC’s plan to become the No. 1 hotel in Las Vegas.

“Everyone thinks we’re dying. Variety recently said that time might be running out for prime time television. You hear that guys, print journalism says our days are numbered.”

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