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MTV Movie Awards: Amy Schumer's best jokes

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Kevork Djansezian/MTV1415/Getty Images

Amy Schumer—comedian, star of Comedy Central’s Inside Amy Schumer and Judd Apatow’s upcoming Trainwreckkicked off the MTV Movie Awards in true Amy Schumer fashion: by making some uncomfortable but hilarious jokes. 

Although Schumer usually delivers this kind of material onstage as a stand-up comedian, this time she got her first jokes out in pre-taped spoofs of the year’s biggest movies. There was the Boyhood parody, where she told a young boy she was going to end up getting HPV and yelling at strangers in The Bachelor‘s hot tub. Then there was the send-up of The Fault in Our Stars that included Schumer wearing a cannula and asking when she was going to get high from it. 

Her best quips though came when she was onstage, poking fun at Kevin Hart, Jupiter Ascending—and working in multiple masturbation references. Read her best jokes below.

– “Is anyone else not getting high from these things? Is this a trick or something?” (said while wearing a nasal cannula)

– “I don’t want the winners to worry about their speeches going too long, because MTV is the one network that refuses to play music.”

– “The Movie Awards are the only show where the best movies are nominated and voted on by the same people who keep Catfish and Teen Mom on the air. Thank you for that. Keep it up.”

– “Do you know how many movies Kevin [Hart] made this year? Two million. He made two million. Did you see Boyhood? He’s the boy, age 9. He was the fake baby in American Sniper.”

– “Magic Mike XXL. It really is magic. Anytime I watch those guys, at least two of my fingers disappear. It’s so weird.”

– “Furious 7—which is what they’re calling the people that saw Jupiter Ascending. If you don’t get that, that’s why that joke works.”

– “This drought in California is horrible. I can’t. And I just found out about it right now. Like all I can think about for another couple minutes. Support your Congress thing, and like, science. And just tell Wall Street, like, bring back our water.”

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