Of the 10 roasters tapped for Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast special—set to air March 30 at 10 p.m. ET—Martha Stewart was a curious choice. The DIY homemaker mogul has the meekest public persona of a group that included Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, and Jeff Ross. While strolling the white carpet before Saturday’s taping on the Sony lot, Stewart teased her impending viciousness.
“I have many, many reservations [about my jokes],” Stewart admitted. “Please, everyone who knows me: I didn’t write this stuff. … I’m going to say some raunchy stuff, but I just worry about what they’re going to say about me.”
Then Stewart went on to say that the Biebs has done enough in the last handful of years to earn the comedic public shaming.
“He’s not a teenager anymore! He’s 21 years old. He should have been in college for the last four years, and he would have had some other things to think about other than being the most popular young person on earth,” Stewart said, writing off any indication that Bieber’s antics were a result of being young and famous.
As she walked off, Stewart was asked what meal she’d make Bieber: “Scrambled eggs…those eggs that I scraped off the house.” A foreboding barb, one that would be her nicest of the evening, during which she handed out advice on prison and what Bieber should look for in a partner.
“She’ll have to be someone on your level, powerful, and famous, and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with, or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom,” Stewart deadpanned before adding the hammer: “So, Justin: call me.” The key takeaway from the affair? Stay off Martha’s bad side.