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Let's overanalyze an absurd new 'Celebrity Apprentice' cast photo

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THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE
Art Streiber/NBC

This morning on the Today show, NBC officially announced the new Celebrity Apprentice cast that will invade our television sets in early 2015. The network also sent us an exclusive photo of the new cast, because nobody — and I mean nobody — goes into overkill obsess mode over this show more than we do. And when I say we, I guess I kind of mean me. But “we” sounds slightly less pathetic so let’s just stick with that.

First things first: Go ahead and click on that little magnifying glass icon to immediately super size that image, but do not be alarmed if Velveeta starts dripping off your computer monitor as a result due to the massive amounts of cheese happening in this thing. Also, if you don’t expand the picture, how can you possibly be expected to gather all the proper nuances such as that cash-filled violin case on the ground? Which, by the way, makes no sense because there are no violins anywhere else to be found. But I digress…

First off, you are no doubt perusing this image and saying to yourself, “Who the hell are half these people?” To be sure, the term “celebrity” has always been used loosely on Celebrity Apprentice. So let’s just start by telling you who you’re looking at. From left to right, the contestants are: Shawn Johnson, Leeza Gibbons, Lorenzo Lamas, Kevin Jonas, Jamie Anderson, Johnny Damon, Vivica A. Fox, Geraldo Rivera, Kate Gosselin, Ian Ziering, Terrell Owens, Gilbert Gottfried, Sig Hansen, Brandi Glanville, Keisha Knight Pulliam, Kenya Moore. (Don’t worry, I have no idea who Jamie Anderson is either. A snowboarder, apparently?)

So what exactly can we deduce from this picture…besides this being the most positively frightening choir ever? Well, Johnny Damon and Gilbert Gotfriend both seemingly enjoy opening their mouth way too wide while fake singing. Why, you could almost fit Donald Trump’s entire ego through those holes! Almost. On the flip side, Leeza Gibbons, Kate Gosselin and Brandi Glanville all are clearly refusing to take part in this charade, with their mouths not even remotely approaching any sort of vocal posture. DIVAS!

This being right in his wheelhouse, you would figure professional singer Kevin Jonas would be taking more of an active role here, but instead he looks like he’s just trying his hardest to not dwell on the fact that he standing perilously close to the human dignity vacuum that is Geraldo Rivera. And what’s with Ian Ziering? He looks confused. Does he even know where he is? Is he worried about a potential Sharknado attack or something?

Well, this will have to tide us over until the eventuality that is the Kate Gosselin/Kenya Moore Boardroom catfight to end all catfights. In the meantime, you can relive the glory of our favorite Celebrity Apprentice moment ever below.

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