Before we get into what Louis C.K. has been tweeting this afternoon, let’s clarify: He is not stoned. At least, that’s what he claimed in a straightforward tweet: “I’m not high.”
His other tweets would lead us to believe otherwise. Wednesday morning, C.K. started releasing a string of tweets, beginning with a thought about how Mars may have been like Earth once before people like us messed it all up. He went on to clarify that his thoughts are “not opinions or theories,” but “feelings.” He just feels things, man.
Here’s a look at C.K.’s feelings from today, as well as our best guess at what it all means:
Mars used to be like Earth, until human-esque beings made it too hot with factory farming and cars. Then, boom, no more Mars for us. Classic human move.
Louis C.K. is a comedian, not a scientist. Stop asking him to prove his theories!
After totally screwing up Mars, the humans jumped onto one of Mars’ moons and were like, “Let’s orbit this other cool planet and see what we can destroy there!” In other words, it was the opposite of that Life on Mars reality show.
Because these humans weren’t Lance Bass NASA types, they couldn’t figure out a way to move everyone off of Mars. So the moon was their only option. They didn’t even know how to drive it, because these less civilized humans were like 15-year-olds trying out their mom’s minivan for the first time.
The explosion killed everyone, but good news! It made Earth and the moon, and all those bits of dead martians went into the ground. What those bits grew into is something C.K. has not yet felt.
Again: not facts, guys. Not facts.
Wait, wait, wait: Here we are, using moons to get around because we can’t figure out how to build big enough spaceships… but it turns out everything is a spaceship?
Once the planets align, a giant button will appear. We’ll press it, and we’ll finally be off to find Star-Lord’s bachelor pad.
Basically, don’t add these ideas to the “Earth” Wikipedia page.
The jury’s still out on whether we all also share martian corpse DNA—but we definitely all share despair. And it comes from somewhere other than the crushing mundanity of everyday life.
Every single human used to be bonded as one until the Big Bang was all, “Let’s make this a party!”
Hurtling through space is pretty intense; our insides are screaming the whole time, like we’re on a never-ending version of Space Mountain.
We’re still screaming, but we’ve heard ourselves for so long that we’re just kind of like, “Whatever, Despair. I’m not even listening anymore.”