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The great shame and wonder of this weekend's iPhone 6 release

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You may not know this, but there is a hot new gizmo on the market. It’s called the iPhone 6, and it is the must-have tech product of the season. It’s “bigger than bigger.” It’s the best thing ever. According to Apple, at least.

According to everyone else, the iPhone is many things. It instills passionate devotion and inspires the human spirit, moving us to make grand gestures of true love. Do you scoff at such notions? Then pull up a chair, and enjoy these stories from iPhone Release Weekend, because it only happens once a year.

In a moment that could only be described as poetic, Jack Cooksey of Perth, Australia, became the first person in the world to purchase Apple’s new smartphone. He immediately dropped it on live television. The crowd immediately winced in collective sympathy, not for Jack, whose blunder could have been costly — but for the phone, because it had to go home with Jack.

If only we had the foresight to tell Jack ahead of time that there will be plenty of people dropping the new iPhone on purpose, maybe he wouldn’t have felt the need to make such a blunder.

But at least he got his phone. According to the Sydney Morning Herald (which hilariously abbreviates to SMH), a 24-year-old woman was in tears when police kicked her out of line at the Apple store. The woman was reportedly frustrated with more and more people arriving in front of her, where their friends had reserved them spots, and began trying to buy phones off of those ahead of her, because she was afraid she wouldn’t reach the end of the line before she had to leave for a law exam.

“I just feel so excited by the iPhone but the shop did nothing [to stop people pushing in],” she told the Herald. “It’s a waste of my heart, waste of my love.”

Ah, yes, love. The highest and most noble of human emotions. You know that feeling you’re supposed to get when you hold your child for a first time? That irrevocable bond that forms between you and your partner and the brand-new life that’s yours to protect and adore in a harsh and cruel world?  That’s what an iPhone release inspires in us all.

Dariusz Wlordaski could tell you a few things about love. According to CNET, Wlordaski waited in line for 44 hours to get his phone—all for love. Wlordaski says that he’s getting his iPhone in the hopes of winning back his wife, who left him “because I wasn’t the best husband and father.”

Maybe things will work out for the poor guy, but if they do, Apple can never find out. “IT CAN EVEN SAVE YOUR BROKEN MARRIAGE,” Tim Cook will proclaim a year from now, drunk with power as he reveals the iPhone 6S.

Speaking of Cook, Apple says that this weekend’s launch was their most successful ever, with an astounding 10 million iPhones sold.  If someone you know now owns one of these 10 million iPhones, rejoice—they can finally call you now.