Dear Television Programmers of the World,
You’re doing okay. If you were in elementary school, you’d all be getting Bs—solid effort, little imagination.
You see, Shark Week is coming to the Discovery Channel this week, and while some of you have stepped up to provide some quality programming riffing on the 27-year-old shark-based franchise—we’re looking at you, Hub network’s dog-themed Bark Week—not nearly enough have stepped up to the plate.
For instance, Logo TV has planned its inaugural Snark Week to coincide with Discovery’s own bite-filled festival. The network plans to air episodes of everything from Don’t Trust the B— in Apartment 23 to Golden Girls in celebration of the best sass TV has to offer. And this is great and wonderful, except that WE tv is already airing its own Snark Week right now, which has to feel a little awkward for everyone involved.
The worst part is that it’s actually pretty easy to come up with puns based off of Shark Week. Comedy Central announced its explosively gross Shart Week, which includes all of the network’s best poop-joke programming (so pretty much what they already air), but no one else has stepped up to the -ark Week bat. National Geographic imitated the whole charismatic megafauna thing with Big Cat Week, which just does not roll off the tongue, and while the Sportsman Channel goes crazy with a week-long Aporkalypse, they lose points for not using “week” in the title. (Don’t even get me started on the Weather Channel’s Tornado Week, which doesn’t rhyme with anything. Lame.)
Network execs, you can do better. To get you started, here are 10 suggestions, free of charge:
Park Week — In honor of the last season of Parks and Recreation, NBC airs every episode of the Amy Poehler-starring series. For the sake of marketing synergy, all the ads are for waffle houses.
Mark Week — Oprah sits down for an exclusive, 168-hour interview with Mark Ruffalo. OWN’s ratings triple, along with sales of herbal tea and instances of girlfriends saying, “can we just stay in and watch TV?”
Clark Week — TCM shows only Clark Gable movies, specifically It Happened One Night and Gone with the Wind. American viewers can sign up for exclusive promotional tie-ins: carrots and a national identity tarnished by the institution of slavery.
Darth Week — Your local TV station shows all the Maury episodes in which he is the father.
Qarth Week — HBO says it’s going to marathon season 2 of Game of Thrones, but only includes the scenes were Daenerys shouts, “where are my dragons?”
Denmark Week — The Travel Channel serves up a smorgasbord of programming set in the world’s happiest nation. EW writers learn to stop cannibalizing old jokes about Mads Mikkelson.
Hark Week — PBS airs a production of every Shakespeare play. Suggested hashtag: #BardyHard.
Ark Week — AMC puts Raiders of the Lost Ark on repeat. This is not to be confused with Arch Weak, which is a History Channel documentary about ruined aqueducts.
Lark Week — Somebody at Animal Planet accidentally leaves a webcam in front of a local lark colony. Nobody has the heart to tell the small, ground-dwelling songbirds they’re not getting a show, so everyone just goes with it.
Narc Week — ABC Family only airs programming about drugs. “No man, it’s cool—we’re chill now.”